Ireland

Leaving for Ireland with a group from my nursing school on Sunday - less than 48 hours!!
I'm so excited.  I'm blogging my adventure here: Ireland 2011 - come stop by and see what I'm up to!

xoxo!

Life

I slept and dreamt life was joy, I awoke and saw life was service, I acted and, behold, service was joy.

- Tagore


Just wanted to stop by and say hello.  I'm not sure where to start - I will warn you though, that I'm a little high off of the 8mg of morphine I just received in the ER.  Yes, in between my classes and clinical days, among my kiddos and social life, after my appointments and just before my commitments, I had to make time for that in my schedule today.  I woke up with the worst back pain I've felt in my life.  I almost felt paralyzed on my right side, but I'm so proud of myself - I made myself go to clinical anyways!  Even though my determination was notable, it wasn't the best idea, so I cut the day short and went to the ER.  They ran labs and did a cat scan to rule out any kidney issues, and they determined it's just back pain.  Yes, seriously.  Nothing more than that.  So I have pain meds, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories.  I have to see my primary care doctor on Monday, and I'm sure my pain management doctor is going to want to know about this.  I'm no stranger to back pain, and this is just different.  It's much deeper and more stabbing.  If I move in certain ways, my body just stops and won't go any farther.  So weird.  Part of me thinks it may be an extreme exacerbation of my "normal" pain perhaps because of the stress I've been under lately, but I really have no idea.  I just know I don't have time for this!

So my trip to Ireland with my nursing school is officially confirmed for May!  My doctors OK'ed me to go, and I'm so excited.  I'm so scared at the same time - this is totally out of my comfort zone.  I think it will be good for me though, and it's definitely a once in a lifetime experience!

My dad's birthday is today!  We celebrated at Outback last night.

It was also Bryce's 8th (!!!) birthday, and we had a fun roller skating party!

Here I am with Declan...



and my precious friend Danielle...



I just passed my Geriatric/Rehab clinical, and our clinical group went out for Mexican to celebrate. How fun is this?



I need to take a picture of Zoe for you.  Our baby Boxer is almost as big as Riley!  Poor Haylie is the tiny baby again, and Zoe loves to pick on her.  We have such a crazy house with 3 dogs!

My sweet cousin is getting married soon, and her shower is Saturday!  We've had so much fun planning it, and it is going to be very PINK!  I'm so excited to help make such a special day for her, and I'm really excited to spend time with our friends and family.  Life has been such a whirlwind lately, and I get really disturbed when I don't have quality time with the people I love, so I'm really looking forward to it.  She's just madly in love with the sweetest guy ever, and I'm so excited she's finally found something this good.  I really wish my Nana were here right now to share in this joy.  There's nothing she loved more than her granddaughters and seeing them happy.  Remember that, Heather.  I know Nana is looking down on you right now, telling Jesus how excited she is for you. I know no one is sad in Heaven, but maybe, just maybe, she's telling Him how much she wishes she could be here with us, with you, right now.  :)

I'm doing amazing since my transplant - so much energy, and my labs are perfect.  I'm so grateful every single day.  None of the things I'm doing would even be feasible if it weren't for this gift I've received.  I'm so excited to live the rest of my life.

I could go on and on about all kinds of things, but I need to sleep off this morphine and I have so much studying to do.

I'm working with a designer for a redesign of my blog, so look forward to that soon!

I sent this Scripture to a friend yesterday, and I've been thinking of it today:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

- Romans 12.12

Love!

In spite of overwhelming obstacles

Christopher Reeve once said A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.  

In no way do I see myself as a hero.  However, this quote is special to me because it's lauding those who choose to push hard and go through whatever it takes, dodging unbelievable circumstances, to excel, rise above, and achieve his or her goals.  

I feel like I spent a lot of the last year pushing down obstacles I never thought I'd have the strength to even touch.  If it weren't for the power of God, I have no idea how I got through some of the things I had to face.  It definitely wasn't by my own human strength.

Now, 4.5 months post transplant, I am facing the decision of whether or not to return to school.  Initially, I obtained a letter from my surgeon and went for it.  After all, this was what I was supposed to do.

Then I realized, who am I to attempt returning to school four and a half months after a life-threatening surgery.  Medicine suggests waiting one year post-transplant to return to normal activities.  But alas, we all know I'm definitely one who likes to challenge medicine.

Before my surgery, I spent my days attending class and clinicals, resting in between.  I was exhausted.  My body clearly exhibited signs of being pushed too hard.  I didn't care.  I had one goal, one calling in life, and I was going to get it.

I pushed myself.  I got sick.  I continued to push, and I got sicker.  I went to school one cold, rainy October day with a virus, a double ear infection, pleurisy, and walking pneumonia.

Do you see my point?

I digress.

So all of the preparations were made for me to return to nursing school.  Fresh uniforms ordered, syllabi printed off, binders and books taken off of the shelf.

But then I thought, What if I can't do this?

I immediately thought of the worst days I've had since my transplant.  The days where I couldn't get off the couch, caught a cold no one else would have caught, and spent entire weeks going to nothing but doctors appointments.  I even pictured the enormous scar on my abdomen, a daily reminder of what my body has been through in only a matter of months.

It was a no-brainer.  Of course I can't do this.

But then I thought, What if I don't do this?

I then thought of the absolute joy I received by touching my patients' lives, by studying and learning about the human body and the field of medicine, by excelling and reaching my goals.

Could I live without this for another six months?  What if I forget it all in the meantime? What will I do every day for the next semester?

I wanted to go back, but I was afraid.

Today, I halfheartedly got out my Vera Bradley school bag and started organizing things.  Honestly, I'm not sure I was really planning on going back to school as of this morning.  But then, I noticed my stethoscope was missing from my bag and freaked out.  I don't think I've ever been so upset about a stethoscope.  Okay, no one has ever been so upset about a stethoscope.

Then I found it.

I can't describe what I felt.  That instant, I just knew in my heart that I had to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

Yes, I just had an 8-hour surgery almost 5 months ago. I could have lost my life. Every muscle in my abdomen is still healing from being sliced through.  I'm on a dozen new medications that I'm still adjusting to.  And sure, I get tired sometimes.  I have terrible headaches, and I'm self-conscious about my Prograf-striken hair.  My immune system isn't top-notch.  I haven't done anything like this in almost a year.  My body atrophied and every day feels like rehab for me.

But…

If this was easy, would it be worth doing?

So this is what I'm going to start on Monday.  I'm going to give this my best effort, and I will hope, okay know, it will turn out well.  No matter what, I'll be doing what I love, and I'll be able to say I at least gave it one amazing try.

A Year in Review :: 2010

Another year of the tradition!  What a year!  Here we go... 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Ended an engagement.  Received a liver transplant.  (Almost 4 months ago to the day!) Recovered from nearly 12 straight months of hell. 

2. What are your New Years Resolutions? To always follow my heart, fight through life's obstacles harder than ever before, and be at peace with myself and others

3. Did anyone close to you give birth in 2009? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, which is a good thing as I'm still missing my precious Nana every single day of my life (See my posts from January and February, 2009)

5. What countries did you visit? Unless the Magic Kingdom counts, I stayed in the USA! Hoping for Ireland in Spring 2011

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Peace in my heart, a relationship with the family who donated their son's liver to me

7. What date(s) in 2010 will remain etched in your memory and why? Saturday, January 30, 2010 - Breaking off 6 years of love and 2.5 years of an engagement, followed by a panic attack of epic proportions

Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 11pm - Finding out my diseased liver held a tumor

Monday, June 14, 2010 - Being listed on the UNOS waiting list for a liver transplant Sunday, August 14, 2010 - Watching so many people come out and support me and organ transplantation at the LifeBanc Gift of Life Walk and Run

Tuesday, August 31, 2010, 1:30am - Receiving a call from the Cleveland Clinic saying my new liver had been found

Monday, November 1, 2010 - Meeting Carrie Underwood with my baby sister.  Plus, bing in the 4th row of her concert was a surreal experience.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Enduring chemotherapy (chemoembolization) as well as getting through the first 3 months following my liver transplant, being inducted into Sigma Theta Tau, the International Nursing Honors Society, being published in the American Journal of Nursing

9. What was your biggest failure of 2010? Letting emotions, fears, and suffering get the best of me

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? My 17th year with Primary sclerosing cholangitis,  my 2nd year with fibromyalgia, being diagnosed with a tumor on my liver, and receiving a liver transplant

11. What was the best thing someone bought you? Money can't buy happiness.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mom's.  She's stronger than anyone I know.

13. Whose behavior appalled and depressed you? I don't believe in public humiliation.

14. Where did most of your money go? Smaller clothes - once after I lost a ton of weight after my breakup then a second time after my transplant.  Gadgets.  Coach bags.  Sephora.  Amazon. Pedicures!

15. What did you get really, really excited about? 2 Carrie Underwood concerts, meeting her (see #7), and Lilith Fair in Summer, 2010!  Going to DISNEY WORLD in May.  Being inducted into STTI! (See #8), Being published in the AJN! (See #8)

16. What song(s) reminds you of 2009? Lots.  One is Dear John by Taylor Swift

17. Compared to last year are you... 

a.) Happier or Sadder? Happier  

b.) Thinner or Fatter? Thinner 

c.) Richer or Poorer? No idea

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Relax

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry - you can't change anything by worrying!

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family and closest friends - what more can you ask for on Christmas?  Total bliss.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? No.

22. How many one night stands did you have? Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Grey's Anatomy, seriously!  I also got hooked on Dancing With The Stars and continued to watch One Tree Hill, Private Practice, and the Office.  My sister and I watch Hellcats every week, too.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't this time last year? Yes, but I'm working on overcoming it.

25. What was the best book you read? I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith, A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, Lift by Kelly Corrigan

26. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I turned 23, and my closest friends and wonderful family all gathered at Bravo! Cucina to celebrate with me.

27. What was your best musical discovery? Pandora internet radio on my Roku box!  Paradise in my bedroom!

28. What did you want and get? More time with friends and family.  

29. What was your favorite film of the year? I love all kinds of movies!  I don't know.  Probably a drama, possibly a chick flick.

30. What did you want and not get? Health

31. What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Graduating, getting married, something big like that.  But on the other hand, let it be.

32. How would you describe your fashion concept for 2010? If you asked my sister, she'd definitely say leggings.  I love leggings, skinny jeans, and flats, but leggings probably win.  I'm also on a headband kick at the moment.  

33. What kept you sane? My friends, family (especially my mom), and precious Lord

34. Which celebrity or public figure did you admire most? Sarah Palin

35. What political issue stirred you most? Healthcare 

36. Who/what do you miss? My Nana, also having someone beside me every day, someone to stay until I fell asleep.  I definitely miss it all.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Re-meeting a few special friends at my 5 year High School Reunion, meeting my cousin's fiance's sister, seeing everyone come out and support me at the LifeBanc Walk/Run this summer - even strangers.  Also, my new friends at TRIO (Transplant Recipients International Organization)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned. Never take a moment for granted.  Not one single moment, not one gesture, not one breath.  You never know when you'll lose your ability to climb into your own bed, breathe without pain, or fall asleep alone.  You never know when someone will turn, a situation will change, or your life will be taken away.

39. Quote a song line that defines your year. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?  I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now 

A prayer for the New Year

Dear Lord, we thank you for this past year.  We thank you for bringing us through the trials and gracing our days with blessings.  Your grace was evident in every situation, your hand on every moment.  Guide us in this new year.  Let us love you more each day and remember to put our trust in you.  Give us courage, peace, and humility.  We love you.  Amen. 

Psalm 107.1: Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.  His love endures forever.

Monday Fun

No jokes or pictures, kind of busy... in fact I haven't even watched my DVR'ed Grey's from last week yet!  But for your viewing enjoyment on this gloomy Monday...

This is for all you children of the 80s, and maybe, just maybe, the 90s... and especially for my sister who is smashed right between, being born in 1989.  She'll know all these songs though, she's musically well rounded, lol.  Good memories of simpler times...  :) J-T on Fallon...


Speaking of ages... I love the Beloit College Mindset List.  Beginning in 2002, they've released it each year for the graduating college class.  Compare the Class of 2009 (going by when I started college, this would be my "age group") with the little ones just venturing off into college right now, the Class of 2014.  Isn't it crazy?

Making time for pedis with my bestie today!  Yay!  :)

Class of 2005

So you know it's pretty bad when you have a 5 year reunion coming up.  Yes, technically I graduated from a homeschool type program, but I got to see the world and start my nannying career, so it's all good.  Plus finishing out through the 10th grade at 2 sister small private schools is honestly all the education anyone ever needs for college, so I don't mind.  I don't like to volunteer the info, but I don't feel any less smart or special for it, and I don't disrespect people who are homeschooled.  I have several friends who did homeschooling, so see?  :)


But anyways, our class was so small and most of us had even gone to elementary school together (the 2 sister schools - PK-6 at one, 7-12 at the other), so they adopted me into their Class of 2005, when really, I was at home opening a diploma in the mail while they were tossing hats and giving speeches.  :)


Not only working for the traveling and nannying, but it worked for my health as well.  5 days a week of all day long + homework and projects was really getting intense on this body with its failing liver.  I really got to do so much in those 2 years I left my private school, and although I wish I would have stuck it out, I wouldn't trade what I did instead for the world.


So anyways, my sweet friends are including me in their official class roster, and our reunion is in November.  I had to fill out a yearbook paper for some project they're doing, and I realized how randomly unexpected my life is.


Would you like me to talk about how I'm supposed to get married on Saturday?  We had a photographer, an invitation stamp, colors, a florist, and I even had a dress.  I think we had most everything in real life or in our heads except for the cake shop.  We ate it, dreamed it, breathed it, it was our perfect day.  Then someone decided to be un-perfect and here we are. You might hear from me on Saturday - I tried to get into my old therapist so I could scream and cry about what is not supposed to be right now, but she can't see me till the end of October.  So that leaves my friends.  :)  And it's not just the wedding - that's the least of my problems.  But the fact that I'm not yet graduated and my stomach has 2 dehisced craters in it?  The idea that I have another month where I'm not allowed to drive, a couple months where I can't lift over 5-10lbs?  Yeah, I'm pretty close to insane, friends.  There's a reason I see a therapist who insurance won't even cover.  I think the parents realize it's worth the money - I say sweet and sane at home and about lose it to the woman I haven't seen since last December.  Boy will she be surprised.


Anyways, this yearbook... I will share with you what I put, because it describes my life in a nutshell and I know I have a lot of new readers and friends and honestly it might be fun to read in a few years (right...)

(I tried to find some high school pictures for your evening enjoyment but all I could find was this of Nik and I in elementary school - gotta love a lifetime of private school uniforms!!)


And back to the yearbook....

Name: Amanda Goodwin 

Thanks To: God, my amazing friends and family, my precious nanny families, and more people than I could ever list in a yearbook

Faves: Pink, Grey's Anatomy, traveling, entertaining, writing, kids, going out with friends, crafts, Coach bags, organization, anything Mac, learning, my Pandora bracelet, visiting Paris, staying up late, shopping, holidays with people I love, Vera Bradley, and movie nights (faves - Katherine Heigl and Audrey Hepburn)

Quote: The Desiderata by Max Ehrman (Google it) or, for something much shorter: 

May we all stand on tiptoe to hear His voice, eager to obey and ready to be surprised. - Joy Williams

Bible Verse: But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.  Psalm 33.18

Real World:  Since graduation, I've done a lot of living and loving.  I've seen some of Europe, a lot of the US, and I've dabbled in freelance writing and been published a few dozen times in various scrapbooking "magazines." (Yes, they exist!)  Most importantly, I'm in my 6th year (usually part-time) at KSU's College of Nursing, held back by health problems. I had a liver transplant 8/31/10 which the doctors say will give me a brand new life.  I'm hoping to fully recover and finish my BSN-RN quickly before living my calling in oncologic nursing, possibly pediatric.  Meanwhile, I've been a nanny since leaving CVCA and have loved every minute of it.    

Family Status (I think that's what FS stands for, lol): I'm recently single after a 2 year engagement. I adore being Mommy to my 5 year old furbaby, Haylie Brooke, and as a nanny, I have all the kids I could ever want. Definitely good enough for now. :)

So... am I a cool kid or what?  I'm sure I speak for most of us when I say I am SO glad high school is over!!!  Who isn't?  Especially when you went to a private school where you got about an hour's homework each evening, not to mention exams and projects.  There were 9 periods in a day, 8.20-3.10 class time, minus lunch, and 1 study hall if you're lucky.  So that's 7 periods of homework, 7 hours, again, if you're lucky.  that's 3:10+7 hours = 11pm bedtime if you got a tiny dinner and were able to get some of the homework done in record speed.  But then again, would I want to be in college forever?!  Ha, too late - I have been in college forever!!!  

2 funny YouTubes because it's Monday, and tomorrow is clinical, and the semester is almost over!

aka, I'm busy and tired!  A lot of us are!  Funny YouTubes please?  Thank you.





I barely know who this Justin Beiber kid is - I can't even name a song he sings.  But this little girl is hilarious.  In the original video, you can watch a longer, much more drawn-out video about this toddler's love and devotion to teen pop idol, Justin Beiber.  My goodness...  Then of course who else but Jimmy Kimmel to save the day!  (Also note that Mom and I watched this the morning after I spent half the night crying with her, so that makes it even funnier.  Boys... they're all the same, always breaking their hearts, making them cry!)





My mom got this in her email.   Yes, we are all planning our trip to the Myrtle Beach Safari.  Nikki wants to get an orangutan for Riley.  I'm hoping that one never comes into fruition.

On that note, I was sick and missed clinical last week, so I've just been working on projects and papers and reading textbooks - our 1" thick syllabus tells us the endless pages we have to read...  Sometimes I wonder if you calculated average reading speed, words on pages, how many pages, etc. in some nursing school reading assignments... I really doubt one or two of these weeks it would have been humanly possible to read all of the required and sleep and eat.  Not even mention take a shower or go to lecture.  Insane!  Then we had some weekend fun I'll have to share about when I get a minute ... other than that, running around, going crazy.  Had to stop the med that saved me from my fibromyalgia so now I'm trying to keep up the pace I've gotten used to, realize it's probably not going to work out so well.  I'm going at the speed of light, and I feel like this fly is going to run into it HARD.  BAM!

4 MORE WEEKS!!!

(Up for air, then 6 weeks of nursing school torture, then a little more air until my REAL senior year!  So what if I'll be a 2nd or 3rd year senior? lol  The goal is to do it in a year.  We'll see.)

Here we go again :: N30040 :: Clinical Journal Entry #26

The Clinical Journal Entries started as a clinical assignment but then turned into tradition.  Unfortunately, we are back into the assignment mode, and that takes all of the fun out of it.  It will start out as a copy-paste from Word (the doc I emailed my professor) and now I get to tell you how the day really happened (or at least my uncensored and way-more-fun version of it)

This is our geriatric/rehabilitation rotation.  I signed up for the section closest to my home.  A solid 30 minute drive at 6:20am for an instructor who wants us there prior to 7am because "these patients are already awake anyways!"  Right.

Now, I love old people.  I'm a sucker for grandparents, and I even enjoyed working on the Acute Care of the Elderly unit for my first-ever clinical rotation.  Old people, the elderly, seniors... however it's politically correct to call them these days, are full of stories and have such varying personalities.  They're just like us twenty-somethings, only a whole lot smarter with many more lessons learned.  They're so easily stereotyped, while to them, we're probably just as easily stereotyped.  The more you're around the people who hit their '80s, '90s, or even 100s (101 - like one of our residents!) the more you realize that they're just people like you or me, only their bodies sometimes get worn out from this life and they need extra help.  That's all.  Alzheimer's and incontinence aside, forget about the hearing aids and teeth sitting on the counter...  Each and every old person in the world has a personality, interests, dislikes, memories, habits, values, and fears.  And, like everyone else, they just want to love and be loved.

Studying the process of what can go wrong in old age, however, is a different case.  We have clients, not patients.  They're here because they, the government, or their families are paying for their stay.  They're here to get better so they can go be good Grandmas again.  They're here to play games and sing songs until they go across the river.  They're here because they are a little forgetful and someone needs to help them know to take their medicine.  They might be here because their spouse died, their family couldn't take them, yet they couldn't quite live on their own.  And then some have colorful rooms filled with photos and banners and flowers and things from the home they will soon return to.  See, it's a different kind of place.  It has a distinct smell and sound, and yes, there are medicines and health problems, but it doesn't feel like a hospital.  Instead, nursing homes seem like big dorms for old people.  And I'm a nurse, just not that kind of nurse.   Just when I was getting proficient with tubes, needles, systems, IV pumps, intricate computer charts... I get dropped off on the doorstep of an old people dorm and am told to make myself useful and take assessments and give meds, charting it all in 4" 3-ring binders . Hand-charting aside, those things really don't take long.  But this does - this takes 10 hours on our feet, looking busy, and some weeks we will have alert patients, while some weeks we may not even have a patient who can talk back.  I'm the busy-busy-busy nurse, the one in the group who just doesn't slow down, so this might be a problem.  I foresee a lot of craft events and afternoons spent at the group "Dining Room Movie."  If I have to feed a few people or clean up after them, that's okay, too.  If I have to smile at a mean old lady or help him clean his dentures, that's okay, too.  And if I get to do a dressing change on a stage 3 pressure ulcer or get to go with a patient to see how dialysis works in our (rare in-nursing-home kidney dialysis) center, then it'll definitely be a good day!  I just don't like the smell of that place, especially at 7am, and I really, really, really don't like being bored.

Today was just orientation, see the unit, meet the staff, here's-all-the-assignments-and-final-paper-i-want-to-kill-you-with kind of day.  So next week, maybe something will change or I'll have some sort of different opinion.  Probably, yes, most likely.  :)

Oh yes, and because this is an assignment, I must state 3 personal goals, one with a clinical focus, one with a gerontological focus, and one with a rehabilitation focus.

Clinical: To increase my patient assessment skills (...Seeing how one of the only things we are doing here is, well, patient assessments, lol)

Gero: To be comfortable with dementia patients (Because let's face it - they're scary.  I had one when I student tech'ed at General and it was a BAD experience)

Rehab: To help a patient work on skills so he/she can return to home (Because we do have a few "acute" older people, and we all know that homes are soooo much better than nursing homes!)

My next journals will be on activities I did with residents or random things the syllabus wants us to do ("Make a list of stereotypes of older people"), citing a website that taught me more about my patient's condition, citing a journal regarding one of my patients... ya' know.... just the normal fabulous stuff the professors sit at home and make lists of because they have nothing better to do.  All while reading about 4-8 (50 page-ish) chapters of 2 textbooks a week.  (Well, technically 3 textbooks. The one was so big they had to make Vol. 1 and Vol. 2.  Not. even. kidding.)  Whoooo!!!

And I need to rant just a little more to get "today" out of my system, because I'm tired and was up too early and am crabby from being bored and so stressed... I would have guessed a nursing home would be on the warm side, but this place was HOT.  We toured all 4 (or 5?) "units" and went on two different floors, all the different wings, and there was not one single cool spot beyond opening-wide a window or a door.  So next week, other than coming in swim-scrubs, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I figured it would be rude to steal an "out of it" patient and turn on their room A/C.  Definitely rude.  And mean.  Neither of which I'm into being.  But it's like, we can put nice warm blankets and Snuggies and jackets on them, yet we are not allowed to take off any more clothing without violating some kind of rule or law.  Yes I have a tank top under my scrubs, but will they let me walk around in that?  No, because how un-professional!  Yeah, well then get a thermostat that works, set it where normal people set it, and try that for professional!

And to think if this was any other day, I'd have my reason for doing this, the hope of the ONLY one thing that I fought through this much school for already.  But it's funny... we humans are odd creatures.  I'm still fighting and even the faintest hope of my reason is gone.  So am I fighting for nothing?  Probably.  Uh-oh, I can't let my mind go that way.  K, turn this way...

5. More. Weeks. Of. This...  And I wish I could say I'm getting the summer off, but I'm NOT.  I will be spending 6 weeks taking what I should have taken January through last week but nervous breakdown'ed my way out of.

If I can keep going at this insane pace, I'll be done in 1 year, 1 1/2 months, making my grand total... 6 painful years.

And then what?  A nanny who just happens to have a nursing degree?  God help me!  All I wanted was a part-time job that I loved (which could be nursing, yes, could be this....) and to work because of want and not need, with the ultimate goal of staying home with my children.  Somehow all of my dreams got really mixed up into the life I have now.  Add a degree and a part time RN job, keep the nannying, and I have everything in the dream except the kids... The kids I pour so much into are kind of other people's kids.  Oh, and a husband... I think somewhere in there the dream was being married first.  Yeah, and that's a sore subject right now.  But yes, he would be present because I would be working because I want to, not because I have to, right?  Remember that part?   Not sure how this knot of "dreams" came to be, or how to untangle it, but we'll get there... look around, assess, reassess... intervene when necessary.   Follow the plan of the Divine, foremost.  Stay on for the ride, because it's sure going to be interesting how this one plays out!

(Sidenote - Nurses, did you know that after 2015, the MSN is no more?  The next step is the doctorate of nursing practice I think.  I'm not sure if they're moving CNS NP CRNA, etc. up to PhD level or what, but the masters will cease to exist.  The nursing board smartypants are doing the physical therapist thing where all existing MSNs will be "grandfathered in" but anyone wanting to be a grad student has to work to PhD.  So my plan is, you guessed it, to start my masters the latest day in my life possible before I can no longer get "grandfathered" in for my MSN.)

A critical review + a case study

... because it's the end of the semester!

No more clinical till 2010!  Yay!

Here is a paper I had to write regarding Ricki Lake's documentary, "The Business of Being Born."  At least skim through to see the stats... pretty shocking!

The Business of Being Born

View more documents from Amanda Goodwin.

Next week is finals week, and our huge case study is due Friday.  If you feel so inclined, you may read it here:

N30010 OB Case Study

View more documents from Amanda Goodwin.

I can't believe I've had it done since yesterday.  It's no mystery I'm itching to get out of this semester.  I can't wait for break.  I need this break.  Plus, it's Christmas, and I love, love, love Christmas! I can't wait to just relax with my family, friends, and fiance. :)

Monday Randoms

I cannot stop watching this video and wishing I was there!  Nikki emailed it to me.  :)  We're a mildly obsessed with Disney World and the Magic Kingdom.

Next up, do you realize Christmas is less than 12 weeks away?  I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off this year, you know, while I'm busting my butt in nursing school and trying to even just barely maintain sanity.  I have a feeling lots of you are feeling the same way, and I'm loving Simple Mom who has a plan.  12 Weeks to a Peaceful Christmas.  (Yeah I laughed too at first, but I think she's onto something!)  First up, Week 12: Prepare Your Holiday Budget and great topics each week until Christmas.  She has plans and downloads, and I think I might just be able to pull it off.  I love you, Simple Mom!

For some cute pictures of pets in Halloween costumes, you have to check out Good Housekeeping's 3rd Annual Halloween Pet Costume contest.  I won't enter Haylie seeing how much she loathes any form of clothing, but I wish I could!  She was a ballerina one year, a pumpkin another... but she just hated it so much.  People like my cousin (Hi Heather!) will love this site so check it out. A great time waster too.  You know, when you have a huge nursing exam in the morning... yeah, perfect for that!  ;-)

Well last week was nuts, this weekend was packed (I took Nikki to the Taylor Swift concert - got floor tickets for her birthday), and this week is going to be no calmer!  I'm excited though because on Friday at clinical, instead of working on the floor I get my "alternate experience" which is outpatient oncology.  That means I get to hang out with the nurses there all day and see what I can learn.  It should be really fun, and I'm excited about it.  Then the following week is our last week of peds!  The remainder of the semester is Maternal-Newborn Nursing, which honestly, I'm not looking forward to.  But we'll see, maybe it will be better than I think.  Hopefully so.  So today I'm studying, tomorrow is class and an exam, my first experience with acupuncture (not even kidding), and then Wednesday I have my girls.  Their mom made L Bug's 2 year old and Baby's 1 month appointment to be at the same time which means double shots, double screaming, double the fun.  Good thing I have Thursday to recover, wait, scratch that, I have Thursday to finish my 12 page nursing paper which is due the following week.  The fun doesn't end!

Have a great, chilly, autumny week!  :)

Embrace your journey

So I've been thinking lately... a lot.  And I want to say "you never know what you have until it's gone," and "money can't buy happiness," and you know... all the lines.  Life has completely changed for me over the past few weeks.  I knew it would.  I let it happen.  But I have to say I'm still neutral, perhaps a little sad, about the changes.

My therapist says I should give this more time... past the first few weeks of school at least (this begins Week 4) ... before I think I'm totally flipping out and convince her that I need more meds.

But a month ago?  I was ready to begin another semester working on my much more manageable Integrated Health Services degree, going to put Nursing off another semester, and that was going to be that.  I'd still be a nanny by day, have a fair amount of free time (yet not "free" enough to do anything that big with, of course), and continue living my fun no-rules replication of last year.  The "Health Leave" was working for me, I was finally doing better with my nerves.  I was ready to start getting back into physical therapy again...  Everything had a place, and my life was almost organized.

But we all saw what happened to that one.

I've been reading a 1739-page textbook since Saturday, completing every applicable NCLEX-RN practice questions I can find to get me ready for my Nursing exam in the AM, and I just turned down two new childcare gigs as well as left Little M's family.  I'm exhausted, my nerves are on edge, and my mind is beginning to think of "after graduation," like it may actually happen in only a few semesters. 

Right now, I feel like I don't have a free half hour to do anything, and I want to so badly.  Good news, though, I don't think I wasted my sabbattical.  In fact, I took great care of myself, got caught up on many appointments, treatments, etc. that had never been possible but never lost necessity.  I got to stay at home and go to Disney World.  I got extra close with my mommy and made time for old friends.  I feel like I could have lived it up a little more, but I'm by no means disappointed in how it went, or ungrateful for the time that passed.  But wow, I miss it.  I drive a good hour to Cleveland every Friday and spend 60-100 minutes driving home 10 hours later.  I hate that.  I'm in four-hour-long lectures that make me wonder what thought they wouldn't be that unbearable.  I do enjoy getting back into nursing, but even with my Nurse Teching job I had for almost a year, I'm more confident than ever that I do not want to floor-nurse.  I want to go into policy or case management or maybe higher-level nurse management.  But the thing about it is, we all have to start somewhere.  We all have to pass that Pediatric exam in the morning.

And I just stumbled onto a big amount of money, I won't bore you with details, but it's a little unbelievable right now.  I keep thinking what I want to do with it, and all I can think of is things like graduate from school, get through this class as if I had no health obstacles, and of course, get married.  But money doesn't buy any of that.  So I'll just be grateful for it, and for the special benevience of my father to take care of my education, and well, I'll finish this one of these semesters.

I wish the only thing I had to worry about this week was a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I wish I was more excited about being with my nanny girls (turning 2 this week, and almost 4 weeks) and of course Grey's 2 hour season premier on Thursday!  But somehow that's masked with and I seriously have that many more weeks of clinical to go? 

I miss a month ago...  Life was more simple and pure.

Embrace whatever journey you're on now.  Hopefully it will end up being better than you ever dreamed.

This is what it feels like to lose control

Monday begins my 5th year of college.

It was going so, so well until Fall '08 when I was rear-ended on campus.

Simply put, things spun out of control.  Although it was hard, I decided to continue on schedule in the Spring of 2008, and looking back at the end of that semester, I was thriving.  Physically, not so much, but I was doing fabulous in the Nursing program, making connections, making a difference, and it felt great.  

At the end of the semester, I started interviewing for a Student Nurse Technician position, which I landed at a local city hospital.  I don't remember much about that time, but I do know that I would have never guessed I wouldn't come back to campus for over a year after leaving it that spring.  

For fall semester, I took Human Physiology at a regional campus in the evenings as I needed that to continue my clinicals and because of my continuing health problems, I struggled with the morning class in the summer and therefore dropped it.  I struggled with it in the fall, too, again due to health, but I did eventually get through just fine.

Fall and winter showed increased health obstacles, so during the spring, I took an online course instead of clinicals, Health Care Policy, which I loved.  

This Summer began, and I met with my Student Accessibility Services coordinator about special accommodations I would need if I were to restart my clinicals.  I figured surely I'd be better by the end of summer, and I got everything all set for restarting them in the Fall. I even added them into my schedule.  

When Summer was quickly passing and I was still facing health problems and two separate litigations, I questioned the practicality of my decision to return back to school in a degree track that knows no mercy.  I obtained a "second opinion" on my sleep disorder, and after we made zero progress on that front, that's when I started to worry.

I decided to add a 2nd major (in addition to Nursing), Integrated Health Science with a focus in Health Services.  A lot of the required courses would transfer from nursing, and the additional courses are within my scope of interest and the degree would be a nice addition into with my nursing career path.  I took three online courses this summer, all for the new major - Health Introduction, Human Sexuality, and Sociology of Health and Health Systems - and I did well in all of them.  

Meanwhile, Summer was nearing to a close, and I was just getting ready to schedule another round of physical therapy and my first round of acupuncture.  Physically, I wasn't doing much, if any, better.

Any time I'd consider my re-entry back to Nursing, I had always thought of it to be a positive experience.  I would be certain of my decision, I would be feeling better on all fronts, and I would be convinced it was the right time.  This was not "the" time, so I decided it would be best to swap my nursing clinical courses for a few others in my IHS degree program.  I was happy to find a great mix of four courses, and I was very pleased with my new fall schedule.

Then came last Saturday.  I had off from babysitting, and I can't quite remember what sparked the idea, but I decided to look in our course program online.  One thing led to another, and the end result was that my schedule now had clinicals back on it, swapping out the IHS courses and adding in a huge venture I honestly hadn't thought out.

I was very proud of what I did.

Until I thought about it.  

Of course, I was going to go back to nursing school, but the condition was only once I felt physically up to it.  I was going to make the decision before I ever went back, and I was going to have an entire summer to study, prepare, and just mentally get used to the idea.  I was going to be confident with the progress of my sleeping disorder, back problems, and fatigue levels.  Like I said a second ago, it was going to be "the" time.  I was going to be convinced I was up to it. 

Right now, if I had to be black or white on the subject, I'd definitely be closer to doubting my ability than being sure of it.  

But hear me out....

I have a semester filled with two clinical courses, each comprised of a 4-hour lecture and a 10-hour clinical, one being in Cleveland.   All said events are first thing in the morning, and we're not even discussing how early I have to get up for the clinical rotations.  I'm talking hours before sunrise.  Hours.  I'm not lazy, but I was clinically diagnosed with narcolepsy (the validity could be disputed, but that's the diagnosis...) and as a result, will have to not only hear an alarm to get up, but I will have to take a major stimulant upon waking up if there is any hope of me staying up.  The said stimulant makes me shaky, nauseous, tired (but not sleepy), and pretty much enables my body to stay awake while just feeling like a zombie.  It's forced wakefulness.   It triggers migraines and also anxiety, and I get a panic attack probably half of all the days I take it.  (I only take it when I absolutely have to.)  It is my most dreaded medication of all, and that's saying something.  I have allergic reactions to all similar drugs except for a few newer drugs that I actually get no effect from whatsoever.  So bottom line, to stay awake through an early morning lecture or all day clinical, it's all any doctor has for me, and it makes my life miserable.

Then there is my back.  I have fibromyalgia, and at the end of a few hours of any activity whatsoever, I usually need a pain patch, a heating pad, a massotherapy session, a Percocet, or a muscle relaxer.  When I worked as a nurse technician, 8-hour shifts put me in so much pain that I was on 4-hour shifts when I eventually went on medical leave.  I saw an actual back specialist last week (in addition to my pain specialist who treats my fibromyalgia-related back pain) and have yet to hear anything on that.  But the physical therapy and acupuncture I was going to start are no longer in the plans since I won't have time if I'm taking my courses and nannying.

In fact, I probably won't get to see my most important specialist while in school since she's now only seeing patients 2 days/week, and of course, they're the two days I'm busy all day. 

But back on topic...

I can't forget about that little thing called "end-stage liver disease."  Just those words enough usually grant any get-out-of-jail-free pass I'd ever need.  And technically, because of my weakened immune system and excessive fatigue, I shouldn't be working in the hospital anyways.  One bad germ and that's it for me.

With all this against me though, it's sort of like it makes me want to try harder.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, yes - that, too - but then I think to myself, "No one is making you do this."  It's my choice.  Completely, totally my choice.  

So then I curiously try to attempt to pinpoint why I'm even trying?  Afterall, it was my favorite nursing professor who told me years ago, "Amanda, what kind of a nurse are you if you can't first take care of yourself?" 

Well, because I want to get married.  That's why.  I want to get a good job (or not... because I can't even work 4-hour shifts, remember?) and get good insurance so that Jonathan and I can get married.  I want to do something big.  And yes, maybe a "wrong reason," but I want to prove a few people wrong and make a few other people really, really proud.  I don't want to let down myself anymore.  I don't want to let down everyone who is rooting for me... every day I find out it was a few more than I ever thought. 

I don't know what I'm going to end up doing.  My nerves are out of control just thinking about it - as hard as I try not to. (Mannn, am I trying not to!)  I really, really hope I at least try.  I need to give it a try so that way, I'll never be able to say I didn't at least give it my all.  I believe with all of my heart that not trying is worse than trying and failing.  I just don't know if I'm even strong enough to try yet...  I guess I can fool myself and pretend I am - that has to last a few days at least!

Once again, we have more decisions in this complicated crazy life... the kind that don't have right or wrong answers.  The kind I'm quite frankly getting sick of.  

Until I change my mind again....  how about you can count me a few extra times in your prayers as lose all of my control and wholeheartedly jump right in and give it a try.

But is trying really losing control?  Or gaining it?

The gate is wide 
The road is paved to moderation 
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in 
Welcome to the middle ground 
It's safe and sound and 
Until now it's where I've been 

Cuz it's been fear 
That ties me down to everything 
But it's been love, Your love 
That cuts the strings 

So long, status quo 
I think I've just let go 
You make me wanna be brave 
The way it always was 
It's no longer good enough 
You make me wanna be brave 
Brave, brave 

I am small 
And I speak when I'm spoken to 
But I am willing to risk it all 
To say Your name 
Just Your name, and I'm ready to go 
Even ready to fall 

Wided-eyed 
Take this fowl compromise 
Why did I 
Try to keep it all inside 

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame 
And every storm will start with just a drop of rain 
But if You believe in me 
That changes everything

(nichole nordeman)