So I've been thinking lately... a lot. And I want to say "you never know what you have until it's gone," and "money can't buy happiness," and you know... all the lines. Life has completely changed for me over the past few weeks. I knew it would. I let it happen. But I have to say I'm still neutral, perhaps a little sad, about the changes.
My therapist says I should give this more time... past the first few weeks of school at least (this begins Week 4) ... before I think I'm totally flipping out and convince her that I need more meds.
But a month ago? I was ready to begin another semester working on my much more manageable Integrated Health Services degree, going to put Nursing off another semester, and that was going to be that. I'd still be a nanny by day, have a fair amount of free time (yet not "free" enough to do anything that big with, of course), and continue living my fun no-rules replication of last year. The "Health Leave" was working for me, I was finally doing better with my nerves. I was ready to start getting back into physical therapy again... Everything had a place, and my life was almost organized.
But we all saw what happened to that one.
I've been reading a 1739-page textbook since Saturday, completing every applicable NCLEX-RN practice questions I can find to get me ready for my Nursing exam in the AM, and I just turned down two new childcare gigs as well as left Little M's family. I'm exhausted, my nerves are on edge, and my mind is beginning to think of "after graduation," like it may actually happen in only a few semesters.
Right now, I feel like I don't have a free half hour to do anything, and I want to so badly. Good news, though, I don't think I wasted my sabbattical. In fact, I took great care of myself, got caught up on many appointments, treatments, etc. that had never been possible but never lost necessity. I got to stay at home and go to Disney World. I got extra close with my mommy and made time for old friends. I feel like I could have lived it up a little more, but I'm by no means disappointed in how it went, or ungrateful for the time that passed. But wow, I miss it. I drive a good hour to Cleveland every Friday and spend 60-100 minutes driving home 10 hours later. I hate that. I'm in four-hour-long lectures that make me wonder what thought they wouldn't be that unbearable. I do enjoy getting back into nursing, but even with my Nurse Teching job I had for almost a year, I'm more confident than ever that I do not want to floor-nurse. I want to go into policy or case management or maybe higher-level nurse management. But the thing about it is, we all have to start somewhere. We all have to pass that Pediatric exam in the morning.
And I just stumbled onto a big amount of money, I won't bore you with details, but it's a little unbelievable right now. I keep thinking what I want to do with it, and all I can think of is things like graduate from school, get through this class as if I had no health obstacles, and of course, get married. But money doesn't buy any of that. So I'll just be grateful for it, and for the special benevience of my father to take care of my education, and well, I'll finish this one of these semesters.
I wish the only thing I had to worry about this week was a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I wish I was more excited about being with my nanny girls (turning 2 this week, and almost 4 weeks) and of course Grey's 2 hour season premier on Thursday! But somehow that's masked with and I seriously have that many more weeks of clinical to go?
I miss a month ago... Life was more simple and pure.
Embrace whatever journey you're on now. Hopefully it will end up being better than you ever dreamed.
2 comments:
hello :)
i just saw the grey’s premiere - i didn’t watch much of last season so of course there were many things i didn’t know occurred on the show. one thing i loved though was when i think it was meredith who said (and i’m paraphrasing) that we put our lives on hold with things like after med school, after residency ect…but life happens now and it can change over the blink of an eye so we should live it now. and the funny thing is i had a conversation with my mom’s best friend about a month ago on how she struggles with not being satisfied with her life in the present but keeps making plans like in january i’m going to do this and that. and i can relate to that because this summer, i was wrapped up in what i’m going to do next, how i wanted the next few months to just go by really fast so that i could be elsewhere - and then it all changed. it changed so much almost overnight that now i am forced to take things one day at a time, otherwise i get in such a tizzy sometimes i forget to breathe. thinking of you as you navigate through the high waters of new daily happenings :) and breathe it in, soak it up - next summer, after graduation will all be here soon enough with their own sets of variable and right now, all we are ever guaranteed is this moment, enjoy it as best as you could :)
i’ll send you an email when i get home :)
Hi there! I’m just stopping by to say hello! Saw you in the twentysomethings group on Blogher, and I have to say that I love your blog. I just read some of the posts in your “America” topics, and it’s so nice to see someone who loves our country and supports our troops the way you do!
I also saw that you are engaged! Congratulations! I was just married in May, and it is so wonderful! I wish you all the best. I will definitely continue reading your blog. It’s great!
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