It will rain

If you ever leave me, baby,Leave some morphine at my doorCause t would take a whole lot of medicationTo realize what we used to have,We don't have it anymore.
There's no religion that could save meNo matter how long my knees are on the floor, ohSo keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makingWill keep you by my sideWill keep you from walking out the door.
Cause there'll be no sunlightif I lose you, babyThere'll be no clear skiesif I lose you, babyJust like the clouds,my eyes will do the same if you walk awayEveryday, it will rain,rain, rain
I'll never be your mother's favoriteYour daddy can't even look me in the eyeOooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thingSaying there goes my little girlwalking with that troublesome guy
But they're just afraid of something they can't understandOooh well little darling watch me change their mindsYea for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll tryI'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedingIf that'll make you mine
Cause there'll be no sunlightif I lose you, babyThere'll be no clear skiesif I lose you, babyJust like the clouds,my eyes will do the same if you walk awayEveryday, it will rain,rain, rain
Ooooh Don't you saygoodbye, don't just say, goodbyeI'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedingIf that'll make it right
Cause there'll be no sunlightif I lose you, babyThere'll be no clear skiesif I lose you, babyJust like the clouds,my eyes will do the same if you walk awayEveryday, it will rain,rain, rain...

Once upon a time...

There’s a whole lotta things that I will forgive

But I just can’t take a liarI was by your side till the very end
Till you pushed me in the fire

I tried to believe you but something is wrong
You won’t look in my eyes, tell me what’s going on

Is you and me against the world?
That’s what you said, that’s what you said
If you can’t be honest with me
Then I’m afraid this is the end

Hurry up, hurry up
If you ever really cared about me
Tell the truth, give it up
You’re still guilty cuz you’re stuttering

Yeah you’re stuttering

Now the seconds turn into minutes now
But you won’t give me an answer

You can tell me this, you can tell me that
But don’t say you don’t remember

Cuz I know you better than you know yourself
So don’t say I’m crazy, I know very well

Yeah you’re stuttering

I don’t don’t wanna hear you're sorry now

The best thing you can do for me is just spit it out
I don’t wanna hear you're sorry now
Stop stop stuttering your words
It’s only making you look worse

Hurry up, hurry up
If you ever really cared about me
Tell the truth, give it up
You’re still guilty, cuz you’re stuttering

Keep on stuttering
Keep on stuttering 

- Fefe Dobson

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over, yeah.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Choosing joy

These past days have been difficult for thousands across the world as blogger Sara, aka Gitz, went home to be with Jesus late Saturday night. She finally succumbed to ankylosing spondylitis which, for the past few years, has confined her to her home, crippled her body, stole her beautiful voice, threatened her lungs, and so much more. Yet she somehow maintained so much joy and gratitude despite her circumstances, and she remained a great encouragement to the world through her blog, emails, webcam, instant messages, and Twitter. She and I got to know each other commenting on each other's blogs and relating to what it's like to live with chronic illness, and she was a faithful encouragement when I went through my transplant and all of my various complications. We stood behind each other, always promising prayers and leaving notes of encouragement.

I related to Sara's life and perspective so well, and her suffering - though physically much more than mine - made me grateful my life isn't worse than it is. As I saw in Sara's life, it very well could be. Yet she deliberately chose joy. Each and every day.  And she taught the rest of us to do the same.

I want to share with you a few of her blog posts that have really moved me over the last couple of years. Sara's legacy will live on through her posts, and I'm so grateful she rose above the pain to be such a shining light for Him.  Please take a few minutes to read what she left us.  I know you'll be blessed.

Making Room - Some tears are good tears. Good tears are necessary. I'm learning to let them fall to make room for the peace... Maybe that pit in our stomach is right where God is.

You Can't Fix What Isn't Broken - And going through it has been scary. And I have been afraid. But then one day, the thought passed through my head that if I really trusted God, if I really believed that He cared about every hair on my head, I had nothing to fear. Regardless of what would come into my life, He would make sure I was well. // I had an image in my head of me, standing on a beach with the water lapping against the shoreline. I pictured a line being drawn in the sand and I knew in that moment I could choose Him, or I could choose fear. But I couldn’t choose both…they couldn’t coexist together. // I chose Him.

I Surrender - I see every moment of my life now, both the difficult and the joyful, as moment to be embraced. Because I know that God is in the middle of all of them. He is in the center of my storms and my blessings. He sees it all with eyes that know and understand and foresee the purpose of my situation. And I want what He wants. // So I no longer adapt, compromise or adjust. I surrender. I simply trust that whatever is in front of me at any given moment, He is in the center of it. // And there's no place else I'd rather be.

Just a Part of the Whole - I don't remember what it felt like to not have pain, and while that was upsetting at first, I think it is actually easier this way. I don't long as much for something I can't imagine. // This is not the life I imagined for myself, but it's the life I've been blessed with and I won't take a moment of it for granted.

Unknown - The unknown can be our biggest enemy sometimes… the thing we put most of our focus on and what we spend most of our energy trying to control.  I sometimes wonder if it's actually more comforting for us to look ahead and live in the future and all of the unknown simply because we feel a desperate need to avoid the present we're in.  Because, let's face it, the present can be hard... The right now can hurt so badly that the only escape is to get lost into the unknown of those "what ifs" that give us the illusion of control... I'm learning how to fully live right in the middle of the hard, in the here and KNOWN, because if this is my life - if this is where I am at - then this is where God is at, too. And if I’m wasting all of my time and energy trying to control the unknown of the future rather than fulfilling what He may be needing from me right now, then I’m wasting God’s time as well.  It all boils down to this: none of it is unknown to Him.

We are all grieving our friend who blessed us by living as a perfect, unfailing example of the beauty in suffering, and we will miss her presence greatly. Author Ann Voskamp wrote a beautiful piece, and my beloved author/blogger Angie Smith shared her heart and a prayer last week, And please pray for everyone involved…and that the weight of glory would replace the burden of grief as we anticipate her homecoming. Our Sara is finally in a better place. As she said earlier this year, I think someday, in our heaven, all will be put back right again.  I can't wait.  She's not suffering anymore.  All in her world has been put back right again.  Her yearning is over.  And now the hard part... we have to unselfishly let her go.

Sweet Sara, while we miss you greatly, you left us such precious words to live by. We would not dare to wish you back as you are now free to breathe, run, sing, and do everything you couldn't do here on earth. Your pain is forever gone, thanks to our precious Savior.  You lived a full life despite it all, and now- praise God! - that suffering is gone. I can just imagine you now, made completely whole... dancing around the throne, breathing in the sweet air of Glory.  So welcome home, sweet Sara. Fly free.  We will see you again someday.

Related: Sara's Web: Dying Cedar Falls woman inspired thousands with her blog

The Stone

Please join me today in reading Angie Smith's newest blog post, "The Stone." An excerpt:

...So many times in this life, we are convinced that its money, recognition, approval, accolades, or degrees that give us credibility and will make us feel like we’ve made it. And it’s easy to fall into the trap, because let’s face it-the world loves the shine. I get it. I mean, I GET it.

But what if we had something that was so precious that we didn’t even let the world tell us what it was worth?

We would protect it, keep it close, and pray that it would always be ours, wouldn’t we? This is how I want to think of my walk with Christ…like this stone. I can torment myself over the questions I have for Him, the doubts I feel sometimes, the genuine curiosity about my life. But instead of spending my days chasing after answers, I have decided that I have something much more beautiful.

I have the stone.

Given to me as a gift I never could have earned.

Worn proudly by His bride.

Cut at great cost, over and over again until the sun fell down and the curtain was torn in two.

For me.

For you.

Oh, precious One.

May I be a reflection of Your great worth all the days that You give me.

Angie Smith, Bring the Rain

Happy Birthday

This image on a greeting card just screamed out my name.  Happy Birthday to me.  Wishes, love & shopping.  Unfortunately, I have major surgery on Friday and will not have time to shop.  But that's never stopped me before - thank goodness there's always the internet.

What a year this has been.  365 days ago, I was at home waiting for the call for my new liver.  I was waiting on my transplant, not knowing I only had 29 days to go.  I had no idea how much physical pain and suffering the next year would hold, nor did I even consider all the complications that may arise.  On the humorous side, my dad has been Super Germ-Fighter because of my low immune system.  He's very protective of any kind of germ within a long distance of me.  But I love him for it.  :)

Once I recuperated from surgery, I started with a new nanny family and found them to be a perfect match.  I love my 2.5 year old boy and his new baby sister.  We have so much fun together learning and exploring.

I went back to school in January.  It ended badly, but I took a chance.  My options were 1) leave more time off while I could potentially be advancing in school, or 2) take a chance and dive back in, knowing if I wasn't up to it yet, it could hurt my transcripts - also being proud of myself for taking a  chance anyways.  #2 is what happened, and with my new surgery on Friday, my doctor wants me taking this fall off as well.  I'll finish school when I'm able.  I don't want to severely sacrifice my transcript or grades just to say I passed a course.

Then there was Ireland in May.  Applying to my school's externship for studying abroad had been a dream of mine for years.  I got accepted in 2010 but the trip was canceled, so 2011 was going to be my year.  And then came the transplant.  My doctors cleared me to go but made it my choice. We all knew full well my immune system was awful at the time, and my blood counts were a mess.  I was very fatigued and nauseous at the time and didn't know if I'd get over there and be sick the whole trip and fail, or push myself and possibly pass.  Maybe I can't push myself for 16 weeks in a semester, but for a 2 week externship, I did it.  The trip was a life-changing experience and I'm glad I took the risk.  As they say, 'you win some, you lose some.'

Right before Ireland, we went to Disney World which was amazing, as always, and in July we went to Chicago.  I wasn't feeling well for both trips but hopefully this surgery will help that.  I love to travel and be with my family and I experienced a lot of both this spring.  Our family has been transitioning with my sister's graduation, new job, and relationship, with the transplant bringing many new health issues to me, and with my dad's company growing.  And having our new puppy Boxer, Zoe, since January.  She's been an adjustment now as we have 3 furbabies, my Haylie the most stubborn of all.  Life's going fast and you can't let it fly by.  Every day is a gift.

This past year was full of new friends and new experiences and that, along with family time, was the best part, no question.  Second has to be all the traveling (especially Ireland), and third has to be that Taylor Swift concert we went to, or meeting Carrie Underwood a month after my surgery.  The most important person/thing in my life is my baby girl Haylie Brooke, who will be 7 in November, and she's the reason I get up on the hard days.  I'm still the person I was a few years ago when I wrote my sidebar. Most of the time, I think I'm pretty predictable.  Very set in my ways just like my Haylie.  :)

So that's a messy version of thoughts and listing my year just off the top of my head.  I am very eager for 24 to be a better year with bright new beginnings.

Love you all,

Weep Not for the Memories

Wednesday, I found out some very terrible news. My "Uncle" Ronnie suddenly, peacefully passed away. This is a huge loss to me as he's been a father figure to me since I was born. He is my godfather, friend, and "family," and I love him so much.

I remember being a little girl going over to his and Tammy's (his wife, my second mom!) house. They had an organ that was just fascinating to my sister and I. Nikki and I liked to bang on the keys, but Uncle Ronnie has always had an aversion to noise. Actually, he can't stand it. He would tell us our playing was on his nerves, and we would say, "We are turning on Uncle Wonnie's nerves!" He hated the organ and our desire to continually play the organ, but he still loved us.

I remember when he was in a tragic bike accident, we ran to the hospital and waited and waited for him. I liked to come visit him in the ICU. I'd hold his hand and give him wet swabs in his mouth to keep him comfortable. I knew he'd come back, and he did. Another time, he had a stomach ulcer and had emergency open-abdomen surgery, and I came and sat with him afterward, chatting and doing Tammy's book of crossword puzzles while he napped. When Declan was born, the two of us sat in the waiting room together and just chilled. Ronnie never made a huge deal about anything. Whatever happened, happened. He was often quiet but a thinker, and he loved his grandsons like crazy. He was a wonderful husband to Tammy and such a great dad to my sister-friend, Shannon.

Ronnie got a lot more emotional, or at least to me, during the past year. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my liver transplant, but he seemed to relate to me during that time. I know he's definitely known physical suffering and I think that connected us closer. He came and sat with me in the hospital and gave me a big hug every time he saw me afterward. He had to ask how I was doing and genuinely wanted to know. That meant a lot to me. I know he is with my other loved ones in heaven watching over me now.

Ronnie was such a hard worker keeping the grounds of our church looking great. Even after his accident and he had metal plates in his face that would freeze when he worked outside, he never quit. He worked many jobs at a time, went without so much sleep, and just pushed himself to get done what he needed to get done. He was the hardest worker I've ever known in my life.

It takes longer lifetimes for most of us to get our work done, but maybe Ronnie worked so hard that his work was just done earlier than ours, that's all. Ronnie must be so much happier in heaven than on earth, so God let Him fly.

Praise God, our Ronnie didn't suffer when he crossed to the other side. May God now heal us of our suffering as we try to figure out where to go from here, without someone who was such a source of strength and a point of love in our lives.