Beauty

Take a few seconds to watch this. It's no wonder our perception of beauty is distorted.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. - Psalm 139:14

This is what it feels like to lose control

Monday begins my 5th year of college.

It was going so, so well until Fall '08 when I was rear-ended on campus.

Simply put, things spun out of control.  Although it was hard, I decided to continue on schedule in the Spring of 2008, and looking back at the end of that semester, I was thriving.  Physically, not so much, but I was doing fabulous in the Nursing program, making connections, making a difference, and it felt great.  

At the end of the semester, I started interviewing for a Student Nurse Technician position, which I landed at a local city hospital.  I don't remember much about that time, but I do know that I would have never guessed I wouldn't come back to campus for over a year after leaving it that spring.  

For fall semester, I took Human Physiology at a regional campus in the evenings as I needed that to continue my clinicals and because of my continuing health problems, I struggled with the morning class in the summer and therefore dropped it.  I struggled with it in the fall, too, again due to health, but I did eventually get through just fine.

Fall and winter showed increased health obstacles, so during the spring, I took an online course instead of clinicals, Health Care Policy, which I loved.  

This Summer began, and I met with my Student Accessibility Services coordinator about special accommodations I would need if I were to restart my clinicals.  I figured surely I'd be better by the end of summer, and I got everything all set for restarting them in the Fall. I even added them into my schedule.  

When Summer was quickly passing and I was still facing health problems and two separate litigations, I questioned the practicality of my decision to return back to school in a degree track that knows no mercy.  I obtained a "second opinion" on my sleep disorder, and after we made zero progress on that front, that's when I started to worry.

I decided to add a 2nd major (in addition to Nursing), Integrated Health Science with a focus in Health Services.  A lot of the required courses would transfer from nursing, and the additional courses are within my scope of interest and the degree would be a nice addition into with my nursing career path.  I took three online courses this summer, all for the new major - Health Introduction, Human Sexuality, and Sociology of Health and Health Systems - and I did well in all of them.  

Meanwhile, Summer was nearing to a close, and I was just getting ready to schedule another round of physical therapy and my first round of acupuncture.  Physically, I wasn't doing much, if any, better.

Any time I'd consider my re-entry back to Nursing, I had always thought of it to be a positive experience.  I would be certain of my decision, I would be feeling better on all fronts, and I would be convinced it was the right time.  This was not "the" time, so I decided it would be best to swap my nursing clinical courses for a few others in my IHS degree program.  I was happy to find a great mix of four courses, and I was very pleased with my new fall schedule.

Then came last Saturday.  I had off from babysitting, and I can't quite remember what sparked the idea, but I decided to look in our course program online.  One thing led to another, and the end result was that my schedule now had clinicals back on it, swapping out the IHS courses and adding in a huge venture I honestly hadn't thought out.

I was very proud of what I did.

Until I thought about it.  

Of course, I was going to go back to nursing school, but the condition was only once I felt physically up to it.  I was going to make the decision before I ever went back, and I was going to have an entire summer to study, prepare, and just mentally get used to the idea.  I was going to be confident with the progress of my sleeping disorder, back problems, and fatigue levels.  Like I said a second ago, it was going to be "the" time.  I was going to be convinced I was up to it. 

Right now, if I had to be black or white on the subject, I'd definitely be closer to doubting my ability than being sure of it.  

But hear me out....

I have a semester filled with two clinical courses, each comprised of a 4-hour lecture and a 10-hour clinical, one being in Cleveland.   All said events are first thing in the morning, and we're not even discussing how early I have to get up for the clinical rotations.  I'm talking hours before sunrise.  Hours.  I'm not lazy, but I was clinically diagnosed with narcolepsy (the validity could be disputed, but that's the diagnosis...) and as a result, will have to not only hear an alarm to get up, but I will have to take a major stimulant upon waking up if there is any hope of me staying up.  The said stimulant makes me shaky, nauseous, tired (but not sleepy), and pretty much enables my body to stay awake while just feeling like a zombie.  It's forced wakefulness.   It triggers migraines and also anxiety, and I get a panic attack probably half of all the days I take it.  (I only take it when I absolutely have to.)  It is my most dreaded medication of all, and that's saying something.  I have allergic reactions to all similar drugs except for a few newer drugs that I actually get no effect from whatsoever.  So bottom line, to stay awake through an early morning lecture or all day clinical, it's all any doctor has for me, and it makes my life miserable.

Then there is my back.  I have fibromyalgia, and at the end of a few hours of any activity whatsoever, I usually need a pain patch, a heating pad, a massotherapy session, a Percocet, or a muscle relaxer.  When I worked as a nurse technician, 8-hour shifts put me in so much pain that I was on 4-hour shifts when I eventually went on medical leave.  I saw an actual back specialist last week (in addition to my pain specialist who treats my fibromyalgia-related back pain) and have yet to hear anything on that.  But the physical therapy and acupuncture I was going to start are no longer in the plans since I won't have time if I'm taking my courses and nannying.

In fact, I probably won't get to see my most important specialist while in school since she's now only seeing patients 2 days/week, and of course, they're the two days I'm busy all day. 

But back on topic...

I can't forget about that little thing called "end-stage liver disease."  Just those words enough usually grant any get-out-of-jail-free pass I'd ever need.  And technically, because of my weakened immune system and excessive fatigue, I shouldn't be working in the hospital anyways.  One bad germ and that's it for me.

With all this against me though, it's sort of like it makes me want to try harder.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, yes - that, too - but then I think to myself, "No one is making you do this."  It's my choice.  Completely, totally my choice.  

So then I curiously try to attempt to pinpoint why I'm even trying?  Afterall, it was my favorite nursing professor who told me years ago, "Amanda, what kind of a nurse are you if you can't first take care of yourself?" 

Well, because I want to get married.  That's why.  I want to get a good job (or not... because I can't even work 4-hour shifts, remember?) and get good insurance so that Jonathan and I can get married.  I want to do something big.  And yes, maybe a "wrong reason," but I want to prove a few people wrong and make a few other people really, really proud.  I don't want to let down myself anymore.  I don't want to let down everyone who is rooting for me... every day I find out it was a few more than I ever thought. 

I don't know what I'm going to end up doing.  My nerves are out of control just thinking about it - as hard as I try not to. (Mannn, am I trying not to!)  I really, really hope I at least try.  I need to give it a try so that way, I'll never be able to say I didn't at least give it my all.  I believe with all of my heart that not trying is worse than trying and failing.  I just don't know if I'm even strong enough to try yet...  I guess I can fool myself and pretend I am - that has to last a few days at least!

Once again, we have more decisions in this complicated crazy life... the kind that don't have right or wrong answers.  The kind I'm quite frankly getting sick of.  

Until I change my mind again....  how about you can count me a few extra times in your prayers as lose all of my control and wholeheartedly jump right in and give it a try.

But is trying really losing control?  Or gaining it?

The gate is wide 
The road is paved to moderation 
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in 
Welcome to the middle ground 
It's safe and sound and 
Until now it's where I've been 

Cuz it's been fear 
That ties me down to everything 
But it's been love, Your love 
That cuts the strings 

So long, status quo 
I think I've just let go 
You make me wanna be brave 
The way it always was 
It's no longer good enough 
You make me wanna be brave 
Brave, brave 

I am small 
And I speak when I'm spoken to 
But I am willing to risk it all 
To say Your name 
Just Your name, and I'm ready to go 
Even ready to fall 

Wided-eyed 
Take this fowl compromise 
Why did I 
Try to keep it all inside 

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame 
And every storm will start with just a drop of rain 
But if You believe in me 
That changes everything

(nichole nordeman)

To you…

I love each and every one of you, my readers.  In particular, a few have really taken the time to make my day lately and a few of you were sneaky enough to leave no way of reaching you.  So please, wherever you are, I hope you find this post and realize how you've touched my heart.  I don't take any of my readers - visible or invisible - for granted.  Thank you for sharing your hopes, dreams, stories, jokes, links, and experiences.  You are precious.

To "Mon B", my "lurker" :) ...

Hey Amanda, this is a totally random comment, but I came across your blog in the same fashion (totally random). I’ve been reading your entries off and on for over a year now and just wanted to tell you that even though we don’t know each other, you’ve been such an encouragement! I started nursing school this past August and there have been many, many time that I wanted to quit but during a few of those times, I’d come across one of your posts and your passion/desire (which is obviously evident in these entries!) has helped push me along too.I hope the most amazingly best for you and pray that God would continue to use you to be a light to those around you (even in the virtual world :P), that He would strengthen you and heal you physically, that He would continue to instill your passion for nursing and your passion to change the world.
Thanks for being transparent, and thanks for being real. You seem like such an amazing individual and I know you probably leave a lasting impression on the lives of people around you. :)

When I was in Disney, we rode the Jungle Cruise ride, and I posted the video on YouTube.  Apparently our guide, Sara's, mom found it, found my blog, and posted a sweet hello.  She has a pretty cool daughter.  ;-)

To Kristina, my longtime blogger/etsy friend... She's always here through thick and thin.  I love you, friend.  Thank you for this:

Amanda,
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank YOU for sharing. Now, that you are one of the strongest and most inspiring people I’ve ever met :)

To Jenn, who always has a sweet word and a Scripture for me.  God put you in my life.

To Jonathan, my dear fiance, who is trying so hard to learn how to post comments. ;-)

To Heather, for the funnies, for being a pal, for being my cousin.

To my sister, who needs to learn how to drop by and say hello.

Those who have contacted me on Flickr, Twitter, here, email, whatever... saying you or a family member are inspired by my healthcare battles.  Saying my posts make your day.  Just saying hi.  There's nothing like feeling so weak and then seeing how someone out there is gaining strength from your dark, messy parts.  Nothing like it.  A little light coming from the pitch dark.  Amazing.

So thank you for reading.  Please keep your stories coming.  They touch my heart.

My sweet little 1st grade penpal

I'm in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, or NSCS, and one of our community outreach projects was a penpal program.  Completely voluntary, those of us who were interested were each paired with a 1st grader a few months ago.  Every few weeks, we'd receive new letters from our kids, and our community outreach "leader" would deliver our letters to their school.   Towards the end of the semester, we found out that the kids' school was hosting a penpal meetup reception, so the other week I got to meet the penpal I've been corresponding with this semester.

My penpal's name was Kiley, and we wrote about school, pets, siblings, favorite things to do, summer plans.... all kinds of things.  Each of her letters had a drawing, as she told me she loved to draw.  I loved being a mentor to her, and I could tell by her questions that I was making an impact on her life.  I was so, so excited for the reception when I would meet her for the first time, but it was bittersweet since the penpal program would be ending for the year and I knew I may never talk to her again.

When I got there, Kiley's friends informed me that she was "absent" that day.  I was so disappointed, but since most of our NSCS penpal program members didn't attend, I immediately gained a handful of "pretend" penpals.  We shared cookies and juice, and their eyes lit up at each new thing I told them about myself. I got a kick out of hearing them tell me about about Hannah Montana and argue over who had the most Webkinz.

At the reception, both penpals and students got to receive their "pal's" last letter.  Apparently, the kids had written theirs the day before, so I still got Kiley's.  I was so upset when I read her words - she loved being my penpal, sorry she couldn't be there for the reception, and then, something that killed me inside - said she had a very hard life.  A 1st grader.  Distressed, I talked to her teacher about it, and apparently her parents were in the midst of a divorce.  

I continued having fun with my "pretend" penpals, and while we were having our lighthearted discussions, one girl said, "Hey Kiley!" and the others turned their heads and echoed.   I looked up and there was a little girl, ushered by her mom.  I introduced myself and asked if she was Kiley __.  She said yes, and I excitedly told her I was her penpal!  I had her join us, and I could tell she was shy and maybe a little troubled so I escorted her up to the refreshment table and told her how excited I was to meet her.  Apparently she had been at her Cleveland doctor's office all day in an appointment for her arthritis.  Coupled with what her teacher told me, I immediately bonded further with her knowing she had a childhood illness just as I did at her age.  I recalled all the days Mom would sign me out early and take me up to Cleveland.  I remembered the loads of makeup work I'd have each time I had to go into the hospital.  I showed Kiley so much love, and I was grateful in my heart that we were paired together, not believing it was pure coincidence.

Having a penpal for a semester was so rewarding, even more rewarding than I could have ever dreamed.  The reception was so great because I got to finally meet her and share with her and her mother how I, too, had a chronic childhood illness.  I got to encourage Kiley about her schooling, her life, her summer, and of course I listened with a smile when the other girls shared their dreams with me as well.

Children are so innocent yet so deep.  They're full of lessons we could never learn in school, by reading a book, or from other adults.  They hold it all inside their tiny precious hearts, little hearts the world has not yet completely ravaged.

It's an honor to know children, even more-so an honor to get to spend a May afternoon with my new friends.

 

1000 words doesn’t even come close…

via Flickr

Will you stand up to cancer?

... or forget about it until you're forced to face it... you know, when it hits your mom, your sister, your son, or your friend? It's your choice, but unless we face it now, we'll only have to face it harder later...



K guys... this is BIG:




Official press release:

Stand Up To Cancer www.standup2cancer.org), a new initiative to raise philanthropic dollars for accelerating ground-breaking research, launches today through an unprecedented collaboration uniting the major television networks, entertainment industry executives, celebrities and prominent leaders in cancer research and patient advocacy. ABC, CBS and NBC will donate one hour of simultaneous commercial-free primetime for a nationally televised fundraising event to air on September 5, 2008 (8 pm EDT and PDT), aimed at rallying the public around the goal of ending cancer's reign as a leading cause of death.

..."For people struggling with this disease, or those who will be diagnosed, scientific breakthroughs can be a matter of life or death -- literally. We want everyone to know that they can make a difference in this fight," said [Katie] Couric. "Television is a notoriously competitive business. For the three major broadcast networks to join forces is a wonderful example of the power of working together, and we're very grateful to have the opportunity to reach people all over the country through this show."

"As a motion picture and television producer, I've learned how incredibly powerful these mediums can be in generating public discourse, sometimes almost overnight. Our goal with this initiative and TV show is to ‘tip' the conversation in this country about cancer – to get people riled up, so they want to do something about the fact that it still takes so many lives," said Laura Ziskin, who will produce the September 5th broadcast. Ziskin is a cancer survivor. Her film credits include the Spider-Man trilogy, As Good As It Gets, and Pretty Woman, and she also produced the 74th and 79th Annual Academy Awards.

The Stand Up To Cancer special will feature live performances by legendary recording artists and stars from film and television who will perform as well as present filmed content giving viewers insight into cancer. Various screening tests will be demonstrated in novel and entertaining ways. "Katie, Charlie and Brian will report on potentially life-saving research, speaking with both patients and scientists. We hope to entertain you, educate you, move and inspire you," Ziskin said.

Stand Up To Cancer (SU2C) is a program of the Entertainment Industry Foundation (EIF), a 501(c)(3) charitable organization, and was established by a group of media, entertainment and philanthropic leaders, whose lives have all been affected by cancer in significant ways. Stand Up To Cancer is bringing industry resources -- people, as well as mediums such as television and the web -- to bear in the fight against cancer as never before...

"The statistics are staggering," Gibson said. "Cancer claims one person every minute of every day in the United States. Every year in this country, it takes the lives of more than half a million people…worldwide, cancer kills more than six million people annually. There has been progress on both the research and awareness fronts; as a result, there are over ten million cancer survivors in the US today. More work urgently needs to be done so that more people will survive," he said.

...New developments in the laboratory are revealing the way cancer begins, progresses and spreads. Stand Up To Cancer is founded on the belief that now, more than ever, there is sufficient knowledge of the basic science of cancer, and that the technologies are finally available to translate this knowledge into real advances in treatment and prevention. Today's cancer scientists are on the verge of life-saving discoveries. But what they desperately need are the funds required to mount an all-out assault. Stand Up To Cancer is dedicated to providing this much needed new source of cancer research funding...

"Everyone in our country has been touched by cancer in some way, shape or form. The thought that we could, in one hour of television, make a true difference in the fight against this disease was both exciting and inspiring," Sweeney said.

"Television is a uniquely powerful medium and the networks joining forces offer an unparalleled opportunity to communicate loud and clear that we all have a stake in the fight against cancer," said Moonves. "Through the unity of broadcasters, entertainers and cancer groups alike, and the giving spirit of the audience at home, this television event has the potential to make a profound impact on our society's ability to understand and battle this terrible disease."

"We've gone to the moon and pioneered a technology that revolutionized the way the world communicates. Applying that same innovation and commitment, scientists are on the cusp of making enormous strides in their efforts to combat cancer, but they need additional funding to do that. Through Stand Up To Cancer, and the September 5th broadcast, people all over the country can help."

I won't be home, but the DVR is already set. This is so necessary. So BIG. So needed. So NOW. If we all just turned on our TV, said a prayer, gave a dollar... Oncology is a huge interest of mine, and I am all read up on the research. This isn't the media giving you half the story. We're almost there. Almost. But the government is NOT helping. We have the technology, but if you saw the costs, you'd be speechless. Some of these new drugs alone are so high that pharmacies won't even dispense them - the MDs have to pay for them out of pocket, and usually at that they don't get completely reimbursed. Those are the good souls who have the vision. Cancer has touched my life in so many ways - family, close friends, parents of friends... and unfortunately, most of their stories didn't end up with success. That's changing. I truly believe in my lifetime, I'll see the cure to cancer. The more physiology you study and the more you hear about the advanced ideas about treatment options, the more it clicks and you wonder why you didn't think of that! But then you think about how much funding and how many years of research comes next, and it's easy to get discouraged. Well, we've seen what happens on shows like Idol Gives Back, so I'm interested to see what happens when the country and a handful of our hottest celebs get together to make a difference. There's power in numbers. And for just one night, we can forget about being republicans or democrats and stand united for one cause. And those running for office can stand by and watch.... it's about time they realize that despite our differences, we are all humans and we all have a heart for suffering. Yes, our country is suffering. Financially, with our worldwide relationships, and especially with our healthcare. With BIG disease that hit hard. But I hate politics so I'll get back to where my heart is.... health and suffering and MAKING A DIFFERENCE... I had some links for you from their site as well as some facts but due to high traffic, a lot of the site is temporarily down. Here's what works for now, plus some videos. And facts we ALL need to hear.

Tune in tonight. We all can make a difference... how great is that!!

---

*Where is the money going? Paul Rudd gives us more info about the show and the research...

* How to NOT get cancer

*Don't forget.... all the STARS are coming out tonight! Here's a benefit song by Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Rihanna, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, Natasha Bedingfield, Mary J Blige. I believe the single is on iTunes NOW and an album will be in iTunes on Tuesday.

---

Hard Facts

A 1% reduction in cancer deaths would add $500 billion into the US economy.

Imagine $50 trillion; that’s what we’ll save by conquering cancer.

"The Value of Health and Longevity."Kevin M. Murphy, Robert H. Topel. Online at: http://www.nber.org/papers/w11405.

In spite of great advancements, cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death.

In the United States,
one in every four people die from cancer.

1.45 million new cancer cases are expected to be diagnosed this year.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

4000 people are diagnosed with cancer each day.

Almost 165 people are diagnosed with cancer each hour.

Every minute, 3 people are diagnosed with cancer.

Every 60 seconds, another American dies of cancer.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

Nearly 12 million Americans are living with a history of cancer today.

National Cancer Institute. Online at: http://www.cancer.gov/aboutnci/servingpeople/WhyItIsImportant/Slide4.

10,730 new cases of childhood cancer will occur just in 2008, and nearly 1500 children with cancer will die in 2008.

Cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death in children ages 0-14.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

It takes approximately 6 years of research to develop a new cancer drug.

It can take up to 8 additional years to get that new drug to cancer patients.

AACR/Glamour: "15 Things You Should Know About Cancer."

Government spending for cancer research has declined 12% under the current administration in the last 4 years.

National Cancer Institute: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/NCI/research-funding

The US government will spend approx $4.79 billion on cancer research while spending $625 billion on nuclear weapons related activities.

National Institutes of Health and the Center for Arms Control and Non-proliferation: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf, http://members.aol.com/usregistry/allwars.htm.

A dime in 1938 is the equivalent of $1.50 today.

Currency calculator located here: http://www.measuringworth.com/ppowerus/

The government only funds two in ten research proposals.

National Cancer Institute 2006 Factbook: http://obf.cancer.gov/financial/attachments/06Factbk.pdf.

Colon cancer is the 3rd most common cancer diagnosed in the U.S. for both men and women.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

It is predicted there will be over 7 million cancer deaths worldwide this year.

"Global Cancer Facts and Figures 2007." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/STT/content/STT_1x_Global_Cancer_Facts_and....

A new case of prostate cancer occurs every 2 ½ minutes.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

A man dies from prostate cancer every 19 minutes.

More than 186,000 men in the US will be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year alone.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

Approximately 2 million American men are currently living with prostate cancer.

A man is 35% more likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer than a woman is to be diagnosed with breast cancer.

Prostate Cancer Foundation: http://www.prostatecancerfoundation.org/site/c.itIWK2OSG/b.189965/k.743F....

In 2007, prostate cancer was the leading new site of cancer in African-American men.

"Cancer Facts and Figures for African Americans 2007-2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/CAFF2007AAacspdf2007.pdf

Recently, a vaccine was created to prevent human papilloma virus (HPV) the cause of more than 90% of cervical cancer, in young women.

Centers for Disease Control: http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm.

In 1982 the Surgeon General’s Report stated “cigarette smoking is the major single cause of cancer mortality in the U.S.” This statement is still true.

Tobacco accounts for over 1/3rd of all cancer deaths in the US.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

Most Americans are more afraid of cancer than getting into a serious car accident, or violent crime or terrorist attacks.

LAF/AACR survey: http://www.aacr.org/home/public--media/news/news-archives-2003.aspx?d=20...

Although more than 40-thousand women die every year of breast cancer in this country that number is going down. One reason is because doctors and scientists are now able to breakdown tumors to the cellular level and target therapies accordingly.

Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

1 in 8 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer during their lives.

National Cancer Institute: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Detection/probability-breas....

African-American women are more likely to die from breast cancer than white women.

The risk of getting breast cancer increases with age.

190,000 Americans are diagnosed with breast cancer every year.

Breast cancer accounts for a quarter of all cancers among women.

Breast cancer kills more women in the United States than any cancer except lung cancer.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

Deaths from breast cancer have decreased 2.2% since 1990.

American Cancer Society: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/NWS/content/NWS_1_1x_Breast_Cancer_Report_....

Smoking is responsible for 87% of lung cancer deaths and lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer death and is one of the most difficult cancers to treat.

In 2007 approximately 153,760 new cases of colorectal cancer were diagnosed.

The five-year survival rate for colorectal cancer detected early is 90%.

Colorectal cancer kills almost 50,000 Americans every year.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf.

Cancer is the number-one natural cause of death for patients between the ages of 15-39.

Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults: http://www.ulmanfund.org/AboutUs/BackgroundInformation/YoungAdultCancerS...

Cancer kills over 550,000 Americans every year

and approximately six million people worldwide.

"Cancer Facts and Figures 2008" AND "Global Cancer Facts and Figures 2007." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/Global_Cancer_Facts_and_Figures_2007....

Take cystic fibrosis, pediatric AIDS, asthma, and diabetes,

put them together – cancer still kills more children

than all of these diseases combined.

http://www.childtrendsdatabank.org/indicators/63ChildMortality.cfm

62,780 African Americans will die from cancer this year.

"Cancer Facts and Figures for African Americans 2007-2008." The American Cancer Society. Online at: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/CAFF2007AAacspdf2007.pdf

Only twenty percent of breast cancers are HER-2 positive.

"The Distinctive Nature of HER2-Positive Breast Cancers." Harold J. Burstein, M.D., Ph.D. Online at: http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/353/16/1652

Only 3% of US adults with cancer participate in clinical trials.

National Cancer Institute: http://www.cancer.gov/clinicaltrials/resources/basicworkbook

---

MANIFESTO:

We used to have such crazy dreams.
The kind of dreams that brought us together, made us not mere mortals, but a movement.

We used to dream we'd get to the moon.
And we were crazy enough, fanatical enough, relentless enough, to get there.

We dreamed we'd split the atom.
Make smallpox and polio whispers from forgotten history books.
Make technology infinite, individual.
Connect the world.

All the unbelievable and the impossible,
all the can't do and the never will, we overwhelmed them, we overpowered them, we conquered them.
They said no and we, well,
We said yes.
We stood up.
We stood up and changed the world.

Stand up when everybody else sits down
Stand up when it's easier to turn away
Stand up for everyone who can't rise anymore

When the answer seems impossible, stand up
When the dream is right within our reach, stand up
When the powerful refuse your call, stand up

The moment is now and the time has come to stand up.
One out of every two men
One out of every three women
will face these diseases we call cancer.

Our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers,
our husbands, our wives, our children.
Our very best friends and those we've yet to meet.

One person every minute, one person in a moment gets lost, gets stolen, gets taken away.

We are a tapestry of lives touched and brought together by a terrorist we can actually find. And in the time it's taken to read this, three more Americans have died.

Unforgivable.

This is where the end of cancer begins.

When together we become a force unmistakable.
A movement undeniable.
A light that cannot dim.

When we take our wild impossible dreams
And make them possible
Make them true

When together we rise as one
When we stand up
When we Stand Up To Cancer.

---

Lastly, may this simple video touch your heart.

What do YOU stand for?

Tonight, will YOU stand up to cancer?
May this be where the end of cancer begins.
ABC . NBC . CBS 8p EST/PST
View the celebrity lineup

An hour saves three lives

Over the course of their lifetimes, a third of the population will require a life-saving transfusion, whether it's due to cancer, an accident, a burn, a transplant, surgery, having a baby, or a chronic disease. EVERY THREE SECONDS, someone needs a blood transfusion. Nearly 5 million Americans a year are in dire need of blood. Many die. Blood is well, crucial to existence. I didn't have to be an nurse to tell you that one.

Most Americans are eligible to donate blood, but less than 5% of them do so. Isn't it ironic that most of us expect there to be blood available to us at all times, regardless of whether or not we have ever donated? Regardless of whether or not we even know anyone who has ever donated?

Blood is perishable, and there is absolutely no substitute for human blood. A typical donation of a pint might cost you only an hour, but it can save the lives of up to three people. Put that in perspective. It could save the lives of your mom, your husband, and your daughter.

Last week when I was in the hospital, I needed four units of platelets. That is usually standard for me. The previous evening, a patient had used up 40% of the hospital's supply, so getting my blood was like a war between my doctor and the blood bank doctor. They finally settled on giving me three units, but honestly? I was scared. There has to be a reason they've been giving me four units as standard for all these years, right? Plus with it being summer, the blood shortage is very evident in most areas of the country right now - probably even yours.

How many people have secret lists of things they want to do before they die, and how many times is "save a life" written on those lists? Well tell me, what's easier than spending a little less than an hour to save THREE? And you can do it over and over and over again. I'm so upset that my health conditions prevent my blood from being of any value for donation. I'd be in there as often as I possibly could (every 56 days!) if I had better blood to give, and that's a promise you can hold me to.

I know a lot of people have heard generalizations on the rules and regulations, and yes, some things are obvious - maybe it's not the best thing to go to the donation drive if you are fully aware that you have HIV. But lately with the advances in technology, you'd be surprised - major things aside, your blood is probably perfectly safe to go into another's veins. The American Red Cross has a great resource page to help answer your questions.

Have you donated blood? If so, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe your cells gave mine life. Maybe the product of your heart has been through mine. I am grateful for the life you've given me.

If not? It's okay. Just please think about it. Please don't pass this up, close the tab, and go about your day. I'll personally help you find a drive by you and cheer you through it if that's what it takes.

Please, please, please. I politely ask you, as a nurse, as a patient, as a human being. As someone who cares. As someone who knows no one is too busy to save a life, or two, or three.

Donate life. Because you can.

* Other info from The Mayo Clinic
*Check out About A Nurse's moving piece on blood donation

hApPy eArtH dAy!!

what are YOU doing to help???

It's InTerNatiOnaL wOmeN*s MoNtH

Women's history, women's awareness, whatever. It's all about us. It's about our rights, it's about our safety, it's about our strength, it's about how far we've come and how far we still have to go. It's about how amazing we are, it's about what we are capable of, it's about what we have shrunk down and succumbed to, it's about what we have stood up and protected. It's about our mothers, it's about our daughters, it's about our best friends. It's about the first female presidential candidate, it's about the female CEOs, it's about the stay at home moms, the working moms, the women at the halfway houses, the women with the strength to pick up the phone and get help. It's about the rape victims, the verbally abused, the precious women who have been circumcised and mutilated. It's about us who have been violated, and it's about us who pray for those who have.

1 out of every 3 women worldwide will be beaten or raped during their lifetime.
Are you kidding me? Women of the world, it's time to stand up and BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE.

Stop ignoring what is being done to us. We are one, are we not? Don't be blind. We have come such a long way, but we still have so far to go. We need some more dignity, just a little more strength, and a louder voice. Speak up. Promote awareness, promote safety, promote speaking out. Each and everyone one of us is priceless, so valuable. No matter how worthless any one of us thinks we may be, we are quite the opposite. Don't be another statistic.

Please - take the time to watch this video. Let's all be mature here. No giggling. No stopping the video after 30 seconds because you're embarrassed. Watch it to the end and hear what Eve Ensler has to say.

It might just change your life.

Let's hear it for the vajayjays!!! Vagina warriors, march on!!!

* For statistics, check this out.
* For resources, check this out.

Quotes from Eve:
When we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us... Happiness exists in action. It exists in telling the truth, in saying what your truth is. And it exists in giving away what you want the most.

starting the week off right :)

10 Tips for Living a Better Life, One Day at a Time
Pope John XXIII - but keep reading - they're surprisingly beautiful and sweet
via Not Quite Vintage

1) Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5) Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10) Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

To conclude: here is an all-embracing resolution: "I want to be kind, today and always, to everyone".

now this is the good stuff... wouldn't you agree?
make it a great week and be blessed. :)

It's time for a little hOpe ReVoLuTioN!!

Join the REVOLUTION! From now until May 1st, create as many encouraging notes as you would like - one or one million. Create them yourself, or download the templates on the site and print them. Then everywhere you go, leave a few notes behind. Someone will find one, be surprised, and feel lovely. You might just make someone's day.

I'm definitely participating in this. I think it's wonderful and empowering. It's amazing how such a small, tiny gesture could impact someone's life.

If you're feeling really ambitious, you can even post your creative notes onto the group's Flickr pool.

So excited to get started on this!!

No one can take the place of you.
Do something hopeFULL.
Listen.
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
Breathe.
Keep hope alive.
There Is Joy Yet To Be Found.
Today, tell someone you love, "I love you."
You are beautiful.

Clincal Journal Entry #5: 2/20/2008

Today, our clinical goals were to chart vitals (my patient was q4h so I had to get 2 sets in the computer), and to actually complete and fully document a head-to-toe assessment with the co-signature of my instructor.

Kinda boring, right? But one thing I've learned is that there are no boring days as a nurse. The reasons vary, but the statement remains the same.

This week, my patient was especially exiting for me. He was in with a renal hemorrhage and failure to void. It was an obvious problem because he was on strict I&Os, and they consistently asserted that he was receiving literally liters of fluid and only voiding a few hundred mL a day. I was extremely excited to solve this mystery. I worked with my instructor to think of where all of the fluid could be. Was it presenting as edema? Nope, he had no edema anywhere on his body. Was it lying around somewhere in his lungs? Nope, they were entirely CTA (clear to auscultation). Perhaps it was sitting in his bladder? The doctor ordered a bladder scan which my instructor observed me perform, and it showed only 197mL of fluid in his bladder - a far cry of a couple liters. Unfortunately, my 6 hour clinical wasn't long enough to see the mystery solve, but I'm so curious as to where they found that fluid! My best guess now is that it's somehow hidden in one of the intricacies of kidney physiology. The nephrologists were definitely called in, and I'd love to know what they had to say...

But back to nursing, today was a huge experience for me because I got to try and learn a bunch of new things. For one, my patient was legally blind due to macular degeneration, and he was very hard of hearing. It's amazing how much we take for granted. I consciously tried to speak slower and clearer and use more descriptive words and just remember that he couldn't see anything I assumed he could. This is definitely a skill we as nurses need to master. Especially when a patient is both blind and (to an extent) deaf, communication is severely hindered. A normal deaf person would be extra-competent in lip reading, but what about if he was blind, as well? A normal blind person would have an extra acute sense of hearing, but what if he was deaf, too? See the issues here? By the end of the day I was doing really well remembering to talk slowly, loudly, clearly, and explain things in great detail. Let the patient touch, feel, sense things. "Patient, can you feel this? This is what I'm going to put on your legs to help the blood flow better." Take the patient's hand and put it on the edge of the bed, "Here is the edge of your bed, okay?" "Here is your cup." "Here is your call button." Pointing won't get you anywhere, so you better make sure the patient can feel where it is. It's amazing how strong these patients' sense of tactility is. Early in the morning, I recall looking at the picture of an adorable baby on his bulletin board. "Who is this cute baby on your wall, Patient?" I asked. As soon as he made the strangest look on his face, I realized what I had done. He has no idea what I'm talking about! "Oh, I'm sorry, there is a picture of a cute little baby hanging on your wall." And then he realized it must be his new great-great-great granddaughter, and I asked him to tell me about his family. So it's a work in progress, but I learned a ton from this patient who was so patient with me as I worked on my blind-deaf communication skills. (I can't even imagine how hard it would be if a patient were blind and completely deaf!)

One of the first things I noticed in the morning was that Patient didn't have any leg compressors on. He had been in bed for a few days and was not very ambulatory (his nurse told me that even getting him up into the chair was a feat in itself), so I would definitely consider him at risk for pressure ulcers, DVTs, etc. Sure enough, there was an order in the computer for them. I told his RN that I couldn't find any pneumonic compressors in his room, and I thought he should definitely be on them, so she came into the room almost as if she didn't believe I couldn't find any. Sure enough, not in there. I was kind of upset that it took her probably 2-3 hours to feel like calling down for them (why don't they even keep those things on the floor?), and I was also upset that she, being his RN, did not notice that. Now I know you can play the "overworked, too many patients, etc etc" card, but still. That's too big of a risk to take. But I watched it, and I made sure I had those on his legs by the time I left.

Just did a bunch of little things during the day that added up to consist of a bunch of hours... Beds, baths, position changes, charting, assessments, vitals, I&Os, the crazy computer system, ya knowwww.... :) I really did have fun with my patient though. He was such a sweet guy, definitely a joy to be with.

Right before we left for lunch and post-conference, Patient's IV kept beeping, claiming there was an occlusion. This went on for almost an hour, so RN finally decided we should pull it and put it in his forearm instead of in the bend of his arm where the tiniest movement would set it off. Of course I wasn't going to leave at the opportunity of a very competent nurse willing to teach me how to perform an IV insertion, so I bet you'll never guess whether I stayed to observe or left to meet for lunch.

Nurse inserted the IV very systematically, telling me what each step was and why she did it the way she did it. She taught me the trick of using alcohol pads to loosen tough tape adhesive and save Patient lots of discomfort from the tape ripping off his arm hair. She taught me what a good vein feels like and how you know when you're in. She even taught me why a Heplock is called a Heplock! (No, it's not because it's for heparin... it just used to be for heparin) Once the new IV was in and we had the tubing connected, she let me remove the old IV using the alcohol pad method and carefully just pulling the tubing straight out while applying pressure to prevent unnecessary bleeding. Very cool.

Then one of the best parts, Patient told me what a great nurse I was and how I'd made his day just by being there for him. Goal accomplished.

Then of course, post-conference was fun - it's always cool to hear how everyone's day went and what everyone else learned. It's so amazing how different, yet similar, our learning experiences all are. I really love this thing called nursing and honestly, when it comes all down to it, it's my patients that keep me going. Sometimes the going gets so rough but then I just picture them and how they told me I made a difference in their lives, and suddenly I'm centered again. Our instructor made a big point in post-conference about how one's life experiences impact who they are as a nurse and I can't agree more. It's the reason I'm here, while it's the reason I have to fight much harder than others to stay here. It's the reason empathizing is easy and I think it also might just be the reason I don't mind my alarm clock only on Wednesdays

Amazing. All this stuff... Life stuff... Good stuff... Kinda like a crazy miracle, don't you agree?

LOVE steps forth

When our eyes see our hands doing the work of our hearts, the circle of creation is completed inside us, the doors of our souls fly open and love steps forth to heal everything in sight.
Michael Bridge

That quote is probably one of my all-time favorite quotes. It really sums up my beliefs and aspirations all in one sentence. On that note, I have lots of blogging to do and it all stems back to that! And this post isn't even about Valentine's Day. We'll save that for tomorrow. :)

---

Find 30 minutes.

First off, in the wake of National Library Month, today is This City Reads 5th Annual Day of Reading. All you have to do is sign up your name and agree to read for at least 30 minutes today.

• What? This City Reads! is the community's alliance of organizations that champion and leverage the power of reading to promote the future success of families, individuals, and businesses in Greater Akron/Summit County. {Quoted from last year's annual report}


• Who? If you can read or have ears to listen, it better be YOU. Illiteracy rates are astonishingly high. You probably know at least a few people who you'd be shocked to find out are illiterate. Seriously. It's a big issue, and we need to join together as a community to read, read to our children, and encourage our children to read. My angel mother instilled reading in me from the very beginning of my life and I am sick just thinking about how many children are denied that basic essential that many of us take for granted. Cultivate reading.


• Where? Northeastern Ohio


• Why? Because it matters


• When? Today


• How? Sign up here.

As an alliance, This City Reads! believes:

• Reading is everyone's business


• An information-based economy requires everyone to read;


• Reading soars when family, school, and community collaborate;


• First you learn to read, then you read to learn;
  
• Reading is essential to improving quality of life; and


• Reading is fundamental to responsible citizenship.

The goals of This City Reads! are to:

• Leverage impact;


• Engage the community;


• Connect individuals and families with resources; and


• Champion the collaborative model.

---

Secondly, I never reported in on clinicals last Wednesday!

Clinical Journal Entry #4: 2/6/2008
Last week was absolutely crazy, but I soooo enjoyed it! I had a patient in for CMS and was expecting just your garden variety dementia, but and was surprised to find out it was caused by alcohol withdrawal and she was in for detox. Long story short, it was a very tough experience, but I found that I left that day feeling more fulfillment than I’d ever felt. She was so vulnerable, closed, and her eyes just screamed fear. Between the withdrawal and all of her medications, she was in and out of it, but just by establishing trust by making her feel valuable and showing her I truly cared, I was amazed at how much she opened up to me. She was so cooperative for me during vitals and assessment, and I even got her to eat some jell-o and drink some juice, and I was thrilled when she reached for her cup and I helped her hold it herself. After breakfast, she agreed to remain sitting up, and I was so proud of her. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but even a tiny bit of independence is a huge deal for many patients.

With my patient, I definitely got experience doing tasks like head-to-toe assessments, I&Os, emptying a Foley, a quick-on-my-feet pulse issue, etc. but most importantly, I discovered patience I didn’t even know I possessed, and I also got to really focus on communication skills and critical thinking.

Then of course, we got more bed and bath practice - both on my patient and her roommate- and I worked with one of the aides who taught me some really helpful tricks. See, I’m learning if you are friendly and make it clear that you want to learn, there’s no way you can’t.

But the day didn’t end there. Not even close.

My instructor answered a patient’s call light just for the fun of it, and it turned out there was a patient who had an accident in a chair. We couldn’t just leave him to wait for an aide or someone to come clean him up, so I told my instructor I’d handle it. I rounded up my friend, and I think an aide on the floor saw how clueless we looked as we gathered our supplies, so he showed us the easiest, most efficient way to clean up the patient and get him comfortable in bed. The patient was a charming man, and we knew he must be embarrassed, so we just focused on talking to him about his family, his interests, etc., and it was amazed how it really lessened his discomfort.

By the end of the day, I had a little over a half hour left, so I asked my instructor if there was anything I could do. She was just then teaching my friend how to irrigate her patient’s Foley, so of course I was super excited to jump right in and learn something you don’t just see everyday. I was so shocked at how many blood clots can come out of a Foley, but most of all, I felt so badly for the patient who was obviously in extreme discomfort as the solution is room temperature - about 25* cooler than body temperature. Our instructor was doing most of the work, so I took the opportunity to hold Patient’s hand and rub his arm. I was so happy for him when we were done, but I was most definitely excited to learn something new.

A few other things went on, but those are just the main points. My favorite parts of the day were comforting both mine and my friend’s patient.  That's the heart and soul of nursing, the reason why I'm in this.   I loved how fast-paced the day went and how I had so many opportunities to do different tasks.  I definitely learned that the nursing aides are infinite wealths of knowledge, and they can really make the journey a lot easier. I’m definitely learning if you utilize all of your resources, ask questions like your life depends on it (because someone’s life does depend on it!), practice critical thinking, love from the bottom of your heart, and exercise creativity the rest of the way, there’s really no way you can’t learn and make the most of this...

Loving every minute of it!

---

Clinical Journal Entry #5: 2/13/2008
Coming tomorrow!!!

Today was even better - I love this so much I'm actually starting to wonder if it's just the "Honeymoon Phase" and it's going to wear off. But I'm determined not to let that happen. I really think this is just that good. It's crazy, and seriously crazy hard, but I am thriving. Anyways, today was my third day in the hospital, and it was my turn for Alternate Experience Day in Endoscopy. I really, really performed many works of my heart, literally watched healing before my eyes, and was in awe of the mystery of the human body and the hidden strength of the most battered souls including mine. All I need to do is see that I've comforted someone, made them smile... never do I feel so complete. Even when I'm fighting my own vivid memories. But more on today, tomorrow...

But for now, Listen to your heart. Pursue its dreams with passion, and heal with love. Be prepred to be *amazed*. That's what this crazy miracle is all about.

it must stop...

... and we can make a difference.

Nearly 25 percent of American women report being raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date at some time in their lifetime, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.

On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day.

Each week, child protective services (CPS) agencies throughout the United States receive more than 50,000 reports of suspected child abuse or neglect.

An average of nearly four children die every day as a result of child abuse or neglect.

We need to speak out about domestic violence. .

Make a resolution to stop domestic violence and child abuse in 2008. I'm going to volunteer at the Rape Crisis Center. What are you going to do?

sometimes...

... God blesses us just a little extra by putting someone special in our lives, even if just for a few months. That's how I feel about my lab instructor this past semester, Jackie Owens. We became very close over our 16 weeks together, and she taught me so many life lessons I know I couldn't forget if I tried. I wanted to do something special for her since she literally got me through this past semester while I was just about at the end of my strength, so I bought her a Christmas ornament and wrote this on the back:


To Jackie,

The teacher who encouraged me to press on despite my obstacles. Because of you, one day I'll be a nurse and I hope I'll be a blessing to others just like you. Thank you for making me aware that I am a "wounded healer." It's an honor I won't take lightly. I'll never forget you.