Here is how my day went:
Top: Just an average exam room. I have so many specialists, but they all pretty much in some way resemble this.
Left: Poster. They're everywhere, and yes, being the nursing-nerd I am, I love to refresh my knowledge while I wait. :)
Right: Echo machine... aka, heart ultrasound.
Below right: Blood being drawn from one of my phenomenal veins. (Any aspiring phlebotomists? You want to practice on me - if you can't stick me, there's really no hope. Ever. My veins are just THAT good.
Bottom left: Cleveland rush hour traffic. In the rain. Worst possible thing.
Very bottom left: LOOK!!! I found Dr. McDreamy in my hospital!!! Seeeeee???
Middle bottom right: Traffic jam. And traffic. Well it was like 2 seconds before I hit the camera button. Promise. :)
Very bottom right: Medical pretties!! Oh how I can't wait to get back into clinicals and playyyyy!!!
Anyways.... just glimpses of another day in the life of moi.... another day spent roaming the floors of the greatest hospital on this planet, going from specialist to specialist, getting all kinds of tests done. As much as I have reason not to enjoy this, I am at least comfortable here. And these random "glimpses" of my day? Not unusual. Nope, not at all.
Today is what I call a vulnerable day. It's the kind of day when I'm forced to break out of the hiding and face my frailty.
I'm not the moping-type. I'm more of the denying-type. Both extremes are so much more common than just being raw and real. Trust me. I see it from both ends of the spectrum... as one of the broken and as one of the healers. To be open and honestly deal with things takes a ton of practice and so much determination, but it definitely beats denial and pity.
In my humble opinion, vulnerable days are the hardest days, but for some deep, dark reason, I have to admit... I welcome them.
With the dawn of a vulnerable day, I can awake and leave my masquerade behind. I'm allowed to be sick. I'm allowed to question. I'm allowed to cry. It's kind of relieving and therapeutic I guess you could say. And as awful and sickening as it sounds, on these days, I'm allowed to secretly hope, deep down inside, that maybe... just maybe... I'll find out that my fighting is coming to an end.
Instead, I usually just find out I get another battle or two to fight, but still... I can hope, right? And it's not that I don't want to live - I probably want to live more than anyone else, actually, but is it so wrong to just wish for a break from all of this? Oh what I'd do just for a week of perfect health... even a day.... wow, I wonder where I would even start!
Don't ever try to tell me you know how hard it must be to live under the tight reins of a body that just doesn't know how to work right. (Not like I have ever known what it was like to live with a body that did work as God intended... the one I read about in all of my beautiful anatomy and physiology books... the one that is just so intricately built and conducted with so much exaction) Nope... think about what that entails. The pain, the drugs, the doctors, the tests, the hospital days... the emotions. Still think you know what people like me deal with? Respectfully I state, unless you've been here, you haven't been there.
It's on the vulnerable days that I realize I'm living a true nightmare that no one should ever have to endure. Thankfully, I guess most people don't. I'd hate to have to see even more people go through things like this than those who already do.
I will be clear though, vulnerability does not imply pity. No, not at all... I just want to be able to be myself and not work hard to pretend I'm fine.
But wait a minute... why all the pretending? Why can't I just be me? Who's stopping me? Who am I trying to please? No one.
I don't have to answer to any human being, do I?
Why is it that so many of us advocate being real, being unique, and being honest, when really we are all holding just a little part back? Isn't it all or nothing? The more I think about it, the more I think it is.
From now on, I promise to practice being 100% me, 100% of the days, to 100% of the people I come into contact with. I will be be me everyday and I won't pretend I'm fine and say yes to everyone's desires. I vow to put myself first - my health, my mind, my body. And if you don't like it, deal with it.
I have enough battles to fight - I'm not going to choose to fight the vain battle of hiding my frailties.
So I'm vulnerable. Every single day. I'll admit it.
But really..... aren't we all??
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