When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
Today was hard. Lately, most days are hard. I try to be strong, but sometimes it takes all the strength I have just to keep myself from giving up.
Today I was disgusted with myself. I found myself a mess... again... dealing with life, dealing with the unknowns. Then I remembered, I should be grateful I'm alive. I should be ecstatic for the gift of this moment.
Instead? I'm angry.
I could have the health and energy of a normal 20-something, but I don't.
I could have the comfort of being at the top of the transplant list, and all these ups and downs, progressions, recessions, whatever? They could soon be over, and I could enter the path of healing. Finally. But that's not the case.
On the other hand, I could be near to death, too caught up in the presence of angels to miss what I'm leaving behind. But no, I don't have that either.
Instead, I awake each morning facing the same war, getting tossed into new, unexpected battles while I try to balance the others.
No life, no death. No stability, no reassurances. No answers.
Just questions.
Struggles.
Fighting for life, but fearing some innate, uncontrollable desire to go home.
I'm tired.
I'm not afraid to admit it anymore.
I'm exhausted. I'm weak.
I try so hard to cope and be strong, but sometimes, hard days - days like today - come. There's no point in hiding or denying. I have definitely learned that. So today, I'm only being honest.
I am all too aware that not a single person is guaranteed another breath, but they at least aren't reminded of it often.
Me? I am constantly aware of the fragility of life, the absence of any promise of tomorrow. Neither life nor death. Just more days of using all my strength to just put one foot in front of the other.
I love life with all my heart, and I am truly blessed beyond words. But on days like today, I can't help but wonder... is this weak, broken fighter running out of strength?
Either way, I'm not alone. No matter what I face, I have promises of sufficient grace from above. On days like today, I just don't understand why that is so hard for a heart to believe, when its soul has not a single doubt.
I guess there's only one thing left to say... After all, there's only one person who can carry us when we're too weak to walk.
God, there is pain. There is suffering.
Please bring us grace. Give us serenity.
His strength is made perfect in weakness.
Be blessed
1 comment:
Every day that I have with you is something I treasure. Just saying 'thank you' for fighting like you do on a daily basis is nowhere near enough especially when I know you fight so hard to be with me. It makes me love you more and fight for you more.
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