lots of heavy things...

You know.... all I really want is patience, respect, understanding, and most of all love.

Please show me that's not too much to ask.  Don't tell me.  Show me.  

Actions speak louder than words.

Us.... used to come easily, but lately, I just don't know.

If you would only take the time to see where I'm coming from and stop long enough to be gentle rather than rush into judgments, forgetting that I'm really trying the best that I can. When I'm bent to the point of breaking, all it takes is one harsh word from the person I love most, and I snap.

Can you blame me? 

Since I'm sure you didn't stop to think about it, let me just help you out here.

I deal with heavy things. Today, I'm dealing with all of my regular heavy things, plus the death of three precious, innocent children, upcoming finals week, the stress of finding a job, two new medications, and muscle relaxers. Plus you know I haven't slept well in a few weeks.

Now honestly, I don't know if you've ever been passionate about something. I like to think you have, but only you can know. But me? I live a life of passion. And I can assure you, when you are passionate about something, you want to spend all your time trying to learn about it and understand what makes it what it is. You learn what works and what doesn't, you learn how to best handle its good points and its bad points. It really is a beautiful dynamic.

So as crazy as it sounds, when I say I'm okay, do you seriously think I am? When I'm silent, how in the world can you think it means I'm content? I know you think you know what is best, but how about the times when I'm sick of disagreeing so I just go along with it? Seriously now, it's been, what, FOUR years or something now? Shouldn't we be growing together, not growing apart?

Where is the passion in all of this anymore? It surely can't be here. Was it ever? I thought it was.... but I guess you never know.

This craziness has to stop because I've seen the most beautiful, true kind of love, and it never ever strays this far for this long.

I'm really, really, really hurting, and I refuse to hide it.