Already gone

It's been 10 1/2 months since a broken love completely tore my world apart, and I'm reliving it through the life of my sister with the added misery of enduring my first single holiday season in six years.  I wish I could tell my grieving sister that the loneliness, the bitterness, the love goes away with time, but it doesn't.  You can tell yourself whatever you want, but accepting a new lifestyle, releasing the past, and wanting to go on with your life is so much easier said than done.  Love is a miserable, terrible thing, yet somehow when we have it, it's the air that keeps us alive.

Let us live and let go.  Let us go on, heads held high, because otherwise, we'll miss what comes next.

Here's to moving on.

     Remember all the things we wanted
     Now all our memories, they're haunted
     We were always meant to say goodbye
     Even with our fists held high
     It never would have work out right,
     We were never meant for do or die
     I didn't want us to burn out
     I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

     I want you to know
     That it doesn't matter
     Where we take this road
     But someone's gotta go
     And I want you to know
     You couldn't have loved me better
     But I want you to move on
     So I'm already gone

     Looking at you makes it harder
     But I know that you'll find another
     That doesn't always make you wanna cry
     It started with the perfect kiss then
     We could feel the poison set in
     "Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

     You know that I love you so
     I love you enough to let you go
     That it doesn't matter
     Where we take this road
     But someone's gotta go
     And I want you to know
     You couldn't have loved me better
     But I want you to move on
     So I'm already gone

    Remember all the tings we wanted
     Now all our memories, they're haunted
     We were always meant to say goodbye
     You can't make it feel right
     When you know that it's wrong
     I'm already gone, already gone
     There's no moving on
     So I'm already gone

          - Kelly Clarkson

So to my sister... I want to say that it's okay this hurts like what.  It will get better with time, but there will always be a hole in your heart.  Good luck finding "safe" movies to watch.  :) But really - it's okay to cry, stalk, spy, scream, sleep, wallow, starve, binge, shop, burn, rip, hoard, and whatever else this crazy process entails.  You won't be able to sleep at night, and your mind will turn until your stomach is turning, too.  You will be replaced, yet you will replace him, too.  You'll want him back, then you'll want him gone.  You won't know what you want.  You won't know what you should want, either.  It's okay.

Just make sure you surround yourself with good friends, and try not to wallow.  Don't shut people out - they're only trying to love you.  Let yourself grieve as you need and move on as best as you can.  Don't let too much life pass you by - there's a whole world of new, even better loves, passions, and opportunities to chase.  

And never forget - boys (and fiances!) may come and go, but sisters are forever.  I love you.

Thankgiving, 2010

Try and catch me now...

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance,
My mistake, I didn't know,
To be in love you had to fight to get the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now.

Try and catch me now...

It's too late to catch me now...

My sister and I saw Taylor Swift last fall, and she sang White Horse live...  Funny it didn't mean much to me then.

Tell me how you really feel

Very opinionated lately.  I have a lot of opinions, and I'm not afraid of what anyone thinks of them.  Like my sarcastic sister says, "Oh really, Amanda, then tell us how you really feel."

All right then...

I should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame for playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same and, oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

I have new rings on my fingers now.  In fact I bought one of them myself, because surprising to my own self, I'm doing just fine without him.  I get amazing compliments on my new diamonds, and it makes me feel like I won, even though I know in my heart it's not me vs. him, winning or losing.  I have a future though, and although I wasted 3 months holding onto the past for dear life, I'm done.  How stupid.  Stupid boys turn smart girls into stupid girls.  I wish no one any harm, there is no hate, not at all, but there is a lot of angry for how things went down and were never really wrapped up the right way.  I'll toss the bitterness, but the scars will always show. 

But you know what?  I've slept just fine these recent nights.  I'm getting happier each passing day.  I am so content for the amazing things God has put into my life.  Job 1.21: The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm done.  The strings are gone. 

Watch me fly.

Got your wings, now you can't stay

You tucked me in,
turned out the light,
kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
had to drive me every where
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone,
make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be
And when I couldn't sleep at night,
scared things wouldn't turn out right,
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree,
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far, but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
     Butterfly fly away

   Butterfly fly away
Got your wings, now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true
     Butterfly fly away
You've been waiting for this day
all along and know just what to do

. .  B u t t e r f l y  . . .  f l y . . . . .  a  w  a  y . . . . . .

G. Ballard, A. Silvestri

Last year, this year

2009 wasn't the worst year ever, but it wasn't the best either.  I'm all about reflecting and want to give the year a proper goodbye, an adequate tribue to the time of my lifetime I spent in its grasp.

In 2009...
I hit the wall hard.
I left babysitting to take up nannying.
I went to Disney World with my parents and sister!
I lost my precious Nana.
I almost got another puppy.
I did make one cent of government-taxed income.
I tried.
I upgraded to a flat screen TV and Blu-Ray player!
I bought a new desk that I absolutely love.
I did not scrapbook.
I did two separate runs of physical therapy.
I was hospitalized twice, went to urgent care once.
I went to 93 medical appointments.
I inserted my first IV.
I experienced pediatric and obstetric nursing.
I failed a paper.
I had two car accidents in one day.
I found a name for the pain.
I went to Florida with my mom.
I had a total of seven different carseats in my car.
I bought three Coach bags and received one for an Easter gift.
I cried harder than I'd ever cried before.
I had too many panic attacks to count and three or four nervous breakdowns.
I made out.
I attended one kindergarten graduation, one college graduation, one awards ceremony, zero weddings, one funeral, and several birthday, movie, and game parties.
I had my birthday party/dinner at Bravo! Cucina.
I tipped one waitress less than 20%.
I missed someone thousands of miles away.
I sold a ton of things on Craigslist and gave lots of things away on Freecycle.  (And bought/picked up lots, too!)
I discovered oncology nursing.
I promised I would not watch American Idol.
I watched every episode of American Idol.
I had a little penpal.
I fell even deeper in love.
I saw Santa twice.  Three times if you count my uncle donning a Santa suit.
I completed more pre-transplant tests than I ever had before... then my insurance denied progression.  Good thing: my liver is not that bad yet.  Bad thing: waiting some more.
I watched someone shatter my heart and still try every single day to put the pieces back together.
I was "ill" sick (not directly related to my chronic conditions) six times.  (One time in January, one time in the May, and four times during Fall semester)
I went to four new doctors.
I smiled.
I adopted a precious little girl in Nicaragua.
I savored.
I fell asleep with a newborn in my arms.
I pleaded.
I cleaned up puke, poop, pee (all both dog and human!), blood, wine, and even the entire inside contents of a ripped-open Beanie Baby.
I purchased nothing on the shopping channel but a huge amount of things online.
I overdrew my checking account three or four times, all accidentally of course.  One of the times, I used crying, relentless begging, and a few references to get the fees removed. Oh, and I promised to start keeping a ledger. I have kept every other promise I've ever made in my life. ;-)
I was fired, and I quit.
I endured.
I made many big decisions.
I went to five concerts (two FFH, Brandi Carlile, Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat), one Disney on Ice, two or three Cavs games, one Broadway play (Wicked), and one Akron Aeros game. 
I lived.
I loved.

Seemingly not too bad of a year, but the heavy stuff overshadowed any glimmer of hope.  Illness.  Death.  Pursuing something outside of my strength.  Anxiety.  Changes.  Second guesses.  So in 2010, I hope things start getting better.  They could get worse, yes, but I think this is the year I need to build the bridge I need to get to the other side.  I'm feeling really optimistic.  I'm also feeling scared beecause I know 2009 about killed me, and 2010 will be even more intense, but that's the way it has to be if I ever want to get out of this rut.  So I'm feeling optimistic, but scared out of my mind.  Not so much scared of the unknown as scared how I'm going to get through.  But I always do - I have God, a fiance, an amazing family, fabulous friends... if nothing else, I have so much support behind me.  (I am also feeling grateful.)

In 2010...
I will bust my butt completing 2 semesters of school/clinicals and whatever I decide to do during the summer to "advance my education" (aka, graduate)
I will make a definite wedding date that we really can commit to.  (Health insurance, money, a place to live... it will all come together.)
I will study healthcare in Ireland or complete a summer RN externship.
I will make more time for myself.
I will learn to budget better.
I will regain the memory I haven't had since the car accident.
I will continue to love life despite its challenges.
I will live, laugh, cry, smile, travel, read, help, yearn, see, want, make, go, need, give, build, share, and hope.
I will transcend.

And this is that crazy miracle called life.

One. day. at. a. time.

You'll someday see the truth for lies

We all need to be held tight, reassured, and watched over. 
Life isn't easy, but we absolutely cannot be fatalities. 
That's why it's nice to be safe in someone's arms. 
Well, more than nice... more like imperative, essential.
Everyone needs someone to hold their hand sometimes, and
Often, someone to hold us for an hour or two as we cry. 
Praying for us and never judging.
Go find that person and be safe in their arms. 
Or if you're doing okay, thank the Lord and
Then go find someone and let them be safe in yours.

"Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly que's
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth for lies

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

In my arms"

{plumb}

Heaven is the face

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Written by Steven Curitis Chapman after an accident killed his 5 year old daughter last year. 

This song (and story) is especially striking to me because his beautiful little girl could have been me... in fact, it was me... only I lived to tell my story.  Lived to come up with questions, lived to cry myself to sleep, lived to realize life is not fair.  But I guess when the children don't make it, it's the parents who take on the story, questions, tears, and realizations. The agony of it all.

 Here's the end of my story...

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That illuimate the world
Heaven is the place
Where she is now free
Where it's always enough, she'll have no tears
Only life

Heaven is the sound of her sighing in peace
Lying on my chest, rocking her to sleep as I sing
And Heaven is the air she can finally breathe
She's found the answers and all her hopes fulfilled

Heaven is a sweet, sunshiney day
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she waits
She'll take me to you
One day,

       right into Your arms