Today was clinical, but we got off early because my instructor had to go out of town.
Instead of seizing the day and getting things done, I've been thinking.
And I've come up with this.
It's my favorite time of the year, and I don't have a spare second to enjoy a minute of it. I don't have time to enjoy the stress of shopping, make special gifts for my loved ones, or decorate my room insanely early just to enjoy my pink tree a little longer.
I am miserable.
And I know exactly why.
Even worse, I know what will make it better, but I also know the cure comes with an entire set of new problems.
So the original problem is this...
I'm too busy medicating myself to get through each day of this education with a drug that has pretty much taken all but my life. It's a vicious circle - I want to graduate and be a nurse, but with my health like this (and masking it with a drug that I can barely even tolerate), I couldn't even tell you when I'd realistically be done with school. By then, I'd probably be past my strength anyways.
For weeks now, I've been wrestling with a big decision. A decision I don't want to make, a decision I don't want to have to make. And you know what's funny? I thought I finally came to a conclusion today, and then there it was, in my inbox.
These words.
When considering a difficult decision, look ahead in your life toward the day when you will die, and consider: which option would you regret most not doing. In most cases, your answer will be immediately clear.
(m. zetty)
What I would regret most not doing? The very thing that is trying to kill me. The very thing that is stealing my happiness. My drug, the thing I keep coming back to even though I know it's going to be the thing that kills me...
Nursing.
I need it to have a job so I can have health insurance so I can get married, but do I need it for more than that? Do I need it to complete me? Knowing how I could make a difference in the lives of so many people every single day makes me think yes. Seeing the politics of the job and the insane conditions of working out there make me think it might be easier said than done.
Then there's that minor thing - finishing nursing school. It's all a game out there. Seeing how I should have graduated already, I'm in classes with people who act like 12 year olds, and I have professors who act like catty teenage girls among each other and nasty, conniving micromanagers to their students. I'm in a school whose only goal is to raise board passing rates, and they're willing to sacrifice our sanity to make sure they get ahead. Professors give us exams on questions they can't answer themselves and grade our papers using their opinions of us as their rubrics. Then get out there in the work force, and well, I nurse tech'ed so I know how it is. The nurses where I was probably had ulcers and panic attacks and will quit from burnout by the time they're 30. Why would I want a life like that? All to help a few people?
Or is it more than that?
I think it's more, but lately I'm not sure. I just know I'm not as strong or as resilient as I was last time I attempted this, and I know for a fact that my mental state any given day since the last week of August has been a polar opposite of what it was in July. I was finally getting better, things were starting to look up. Then with one fell swoop, I decided to force myself to limits I was sure I'd be strong enough to reach. I decided this was the only way to fight for my future, my happiness, my impending marriage.
So don't ask me what I'm supposed to do now, because I don't know either. Take a semester off? Keep killing myself each day? Decide to settle for that degree in Integrated Health Studies?
All I know is that I have no idea how I'm even going to get through the remaining two weeks of school and then finals, so how could I ever get through three more semesters?
So much is at stake each way, and anyways, if I wasn't doing this, what else would make up the difference? Would it be enough? Would it be the right thing? How would I know for sure?
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