The only thing to fear

Was it Franklin Roosevelt who said The only thing to fear is fear itself? Yes... in the middle of the Great Depression, he tried to reassure our country that things would be okay, that fear in itself was worse than anything else that could ever come to us.

Really though? And of course our Lord said Perfect love casts out all fear... while the Scriptures also tell us that God is love.

Moral of the story? Fear is usually the worst part of whatever may be crippling our hearts, but God is here to take it away.  If He's with us, why should we be afraid?

Well we shouldn't, but tell that to those who believe in God and are afraid anyway.  Tonight our pastor said that right now, Satan is fighting many of God's people, letting them receive everything God has to offer except for the most important healing they need in their lives.  

Tell me about it.

Here begins another week... another week of this fight... and tonight I'm afraid.  I'm pretty numb to actual medical procedures themselves, and I would argue that my pain tolerance is one of the highest around.  Being poked and prodded for 16 years would do that to you, I guess.

But tomorrow is another story.  Tomorrow they'll be ravishing my body just to ensure I don't get cancer. I'm currently double-dosed on Xanax and can't wait to take the Valium I begged my doctor to prescribe for me to take in the morning.  Yet somehow all the Xanax, Valium, and Percocet in the world isn't gonna calm these nerves and ease this pain, or at least I can't get myself to think so.  I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, I'M SICK OF THIS!!!   I'm 21, almost 22.  I'm engaged.  I should be graduating, walking down the aisle, feeling up to hanging out with my friends.  I shouldn't be in bed suffering from things like fibromyalgia, severe nausea, and migraines.  I shouldn't be on the couch on Saturday nights unable to move because my pain is so great.  I shouldn't be short of breath all the time  because I have holes between the chambers of my heart, and I definitely don't see why I need to have those sharp pains in the hated "right upper quadrant."  I should see my family doctor for checkups and the rare occasion I get strep throat or the flu... I should not be seeing a cardiologist, hepatologist, pulmonologist, pain psychologist, psychiatrist, pain management anesthesiologist, therapist, and surgeon on a regular basis.   I should not be coordinating a liver transplant workup any spare second I'm not scheduling appointments, lining up referrals, fighting with insurance, whatever.  I'm 21, not 80!  Seriously... it's like a joke, like a ride that won't end.  I have dreams, huge, big dreams, but the reality of it is you can follow your dreams for miles and miles, but sometimes the roadblocks are just too large.

My heart goes out to the few of us suffering this life.  Day after day after day after day.  It never ends.  I've accepted it, but it doesn't mean I'm okay with it.  I doesn't mean I'm okay being a victim of a messed up system, a chronic sufferer, a girl forced to walk each step of all of my days on eggshells.  I thank God for what I do have  - great friends and an amazing family, and most of all, the fiance all girls dream of their entire lives.  But sometimes, the fear gets too big.  And it's hindering, stifling, suffocating.

So pray for me in the morning. It's supposed to be "no big deal" according to my fabulous doctor (whom, if I didn't trust so much, I would NOT let her be doing this to me) but those who have went through this seem to hold the opposite opinion.

I miss my fiance who is at home in his bed, perhaps sleeping soundly.  If he were here, he'd hold me as I sobbed, say a prayer out loud, and tell me everything is going to be okay until I'd finally fall alseep in his peace.