Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less. Sometimes it makes you love them even more.
The Last Song movie
It’s hard when you miss people, but you know, if you miss them, it means you’re lucky. It means you had something special in your life, someone worth missing.
One Tree Hill 7.16
My hair stylist lost her husband to cancer last August. It was a hard battle with a drawn out ending. She hasn’t been the same since and probably won’t be. Last week, I went in to get my hair done, and she stopped and looked at me, knowing what had happened since my mom had seen her the week before. “It’s like this huge empty feeling right here, isn’t it?” as she stopped and pointed to somewhere between her stomach and her heart. I nodded, holding back tears. I didn’t have the courage to ask how long until that feeling fades away... if ever?
I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare...
What if I fall and hurt myself?
Would you know how to fix me
What if I went and lost myself?
Would you know where to find me
If I forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me?
Cause without you things go hazy
Rosi Golan
2 weeks ago to this moment, January 30, 2010, my fiance (of 2.5+ years, boyfriend of nearly 5.5) and I broke the relationship.
We bowed to what we knew was the plan of God, even though it was the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do.
I cried to God, "Anything but this," and I meant it. I've known sickness, I've known pain, I've known more than most. And my continual cry was honest, yet my prayer unanswered.
As for God, His way is perfect.
Psalm 18.30
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
Psalm 23.4-5
Sometimes all but our very lives need to be taken away from us before we realize
God is all we have left... and God is all we really need.
In the beginning, GOD.
Genesis 1.1a
Him that filleth all in all
Ephesians 1.23b
We’ve been holding to the promises we know are true, trying to get through this, to the other side... whatever is over there, we don’t know.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3.5-6
How long until I can start eating and drinking? (Losing 16 lbs in 2 weeks just isn't right)
How long until I can see you without having to hold back tears?
How long until I can mention your name without crumbling?
How long until I can wash my hands without going into a panic, sure my ring is gone?
How long until I can wear the clothes I wore when I was with you?
How long until I can go into any place we have ever been together?
How long until I can watch the movies or shows I first saw with you?
How long until I can truly smile or laugh or love again?
How long until all of the beautiful memories fade?
How long until this nightmare is over?
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55.8-9
Right after that night, I made two lists - one of things I will miss, and one of things I won’t miss. I realize the second might have been inappropriate, but it’s the only way I could formulate some kind of coping at that point in time.
These are the things which I ultimately ache to see, hear, or feel just one more time... I'd give all but my very soul to have these things just for one more second. The things about you that I miss... The things you did that I’ll be forever so grateful for. Reasons to miss you even more... The things I will never forget. Whatever you want to call it, this is my list.
Your immaculate DVR commercial-skipping skills
Putting up with my rants
Entertaining my theories
Your cold hands in the winter
Letting me control the music in the car
How you'd gently fix my ring if it was poking your finger
Not minding my "return policy"
How you'd gently stroke my back
Your nerdiness
How you could tell - without even looking - if I fell asleep
Each time you told me I looked cute or was beautiful
How you'd reassure me, "It's okay - we'll prepare for the worst."
When you'd hold me as I sobbed
How you'd whisper to God when I couldn't find the strength
You using a coaster and usually putting any stray dishes in the dishwasher
Long emails in the beginning
No request was ever too much for you, not even Dairy Queen in January
Getting gas before you picked me up
Input regarding wedding things (colors, stationery, photographers)
Relentless love
Learning the value of family
Putting up with my eccentricities and moods
Carefully learning my needs
Noticing I buy my favorite clothing items in a few different colors
Letting me take my time
Reassuring me
Pretending to like your Amanda plant when really, you let it die
Helping me cope with transitions and life events
For painting my walls and hanging my curtains
For waiting for me
For knowing when and how to deal with what was beyond my walls
Long drives
Stopping me before I went "too far" whether it was in speech or deed
Dropping your plans to hold me while I cried
Driving me home, going east on 18, stars out, soft music playing, our hands together, our words soft
Miniscule errands, all the time
Your passion for your work
Keeping my secrets
Talking about our future children
Chick flicks
Sacrificing to buy the bigger, clearer diamond to surprise me with
Driving 2.5 hours to a concert you probably didn't want to go to
Teaching me basketball
Holding my hand in the hospital
Letting me dawdle when shopping for anything, anywhere
Movie theaters, Playhouse Square, concerts, Disney on Ice, Cavs games, and t-ball games
Letting me do everything elaborately and excessively
Growing your caring nature
Going home only once I was settled in bed and kissed goodnight
Letting me call you at midnight
Spontaneous "I'll love you" texts
Respecting me
Your chivalry
Sharing each and every one of our 1,190 days
We fit together like we were meant to be, and I really thought we were. The grief is worse than losing anyone in death because you’re still alive, I’m still alive, and both of us have to figure out now how to live apart until we can live together again as friends.
You were my first love. You carried and took care of me, stayed by me, held onto me. You taught me the existence of love itself, in believing in things much greater than ourselves. You nurtured my growth, enabled my being. You gently tore down my unsurpassable, incorruptible walls. You taught me how to love.
No matter where we each end up, we will always be entwined into the innermost beings of each other. Growing together for a quarter of our lives has left undeniable, indelible marks on our souls. For that, I will always love you.
Hear my cry, oh God - attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy... I will trust covert of thy wings. Selah.
Psalm 61.1-4
1 comment:
You are an amazingly inspiring young lady. What beautiful writing.
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